Two's a Crowd
by amythis
Summary: Author's Note: I wrote this eight years ago, but as long as I'm sharing ABC-sitcom stories...AU scriptfic for the 1980-81 season. When Chrissy goes to her parents in Fresno, Jack and Janet gradually become less platonic. Also contains Larry/OOC!Cindy. Ten episodes, rated R for raunch and romance.
1. To Tell the Truth

Scene I

[Jack, Janet, and Chrissy are gathered by the open front door of their apartment. Chrissy has her coat and hat on, two suitcases by her feet. Janet is dressed for work.

CHRISSY: I'm really gonna miss you guys.

JANET: We'll miss you, too, Chrissy, but it's just for a few days.

JACK: Yeah, your mom will be well in no time.

JANET: Especially with you taking care of her.

JACK: Yeah, I've always enjoyed your bedside manner.

JANET: (with hands on hips) And just what is that supposed to mean?

JACK: Shame on you, Janet! I just meant when I've been sick, she's taken good care of me.

CHRISSY: (nodding) Like when I rubbed your chest with alcohol and held your hand and—

JACK: (his hands up in the "enough" sign) OK, Chrissy, thanks.

JANET: (shaking her head) Anyway, have a good trip, Chrissy. [She gives her a hug.]

CHRISSY: Bye, Janet. [They let go.] Bye, Jack. [They hug.]

JACK: I'll miss you, Chrissy. [He bends her back and kisses her. Mr. Furley walks in, in a safari-style outfit. Janet hits Jack.] Not now, Janet, I'm busy.

MR. FURLEY: (indignantly) And just what are you busy with? [Startled, Jack drops Chrissy onto the floor, or rather, out of sight, behind the couch and onto the stunt mattress.]

JACK: (flustered) Um, I was just fooling around. Well, not fooling around, but—

CHRISSY: (as Janet helps her to her feet) Jack was just thanking me for making him feel better.

MR. F: (eyes bugging) What?

CHRISSY: Like when he's hot and feverish.

MR. F: What?

JANET: Mr. Furley, if you're going to get Chrissy to the airport on time, you'd better leave now.

MR. F: All right, but don't think this is the end of it. (to Chrissy) Young Lady, I'm going to get you to explain everything to me on the way.

CHRISSY: (picking up the smaller suitcase and heading out) Well, in my father's favorite sermon, he says that there was a big nothing and then God said the Word and then there was something. And then Adam had spare ribs, so— [Her voice fades.]

MR. F: (shaking his head) You three owe me.

JANET: I'm sure Chrissy appreciates you taking her to the airport.

MR. F: Not that. You owe me this month's rent.

JACK: Oh, uh, you'll get it as soon as Chrissy comes back.

MR. F: (shaking his pointer finger) OK, I'm holding you to that.

JANET: Can you also hold this? Chrissy forgot her other suitcase. [Janet picks up the larger suitcase and hands it to Mr. Furley, who almost topples over from its weight. Then he staggers out the door. Pause. Then the sound of Mr. Furley and the suitcase tumbling downstairs.]

CHRISSY: (offscreen) Oh, Mr. Furley, I'm not in that much of a hurry.

JANET: (smiling and shaking her head) I hope it's a good trip.

JACK: It sounded like it.

JANET: (laughing) I meant for Chrissy. Wow, it's going to be weird having her gone even this long. It's never been more than a couple days.

JACK: I know what you're thinking, Janet.

JANET: (confused) What?

JACK: You're thinking how lonely it's going to be in your empty bedroom every night. [He grabs her by the shoulders.] But you've got to be strong, Janet. No matter how irresistible I am, you can't try to seduce me.

JANET: (amused) Oh. (mischievously) You mean I can't flirt with you? [She bats her eyes.]

JACK: Right.

JANET: Or caress you? [She strokes his back.]

JACK: Uh, right.

JANET: Or grab you? [She pinches his butt.]

JACK: (his voice going high in surprise) Right!

JANET: (tilting her head up) Or kiss you?

JACK: (titling his head down so that their mouths are close) Right.

JANET: Then you'd better let go of me.

JACK: (slowly) Right. [He releases her shoulders and backs away.]

JANET: After all, Jack, you know how tempting you are. The only thing that's kept me from jumping you all these years is we've never been alone for long. Chrissy saved your virtue.

JACK: OK, now you're just being mean.

JANET: (laughing) I'm sorry, Jack.

JACK: (mock-seductively) Now we'll have to kiss and make up.

JANET: (shaking her head) Maybe later. I'm going to be late for work.

JACK: I wish I could say that.

JANET: No luck with the job hunt?

JACK: No, and I don't know how long we can stall Furley.

JANET: Well, maybe we'll luck out and Chrissy will never return, so Mr. Furley will never collect.

JACK: (shaking his head) I don't have that kind of luck.

JANET: Things will pick up. But I really am late. Bye, Babe. [She kisses his cheek, grabs her purse, and goes out the door. He puts his hand to his cheek, stands there a moment, then shakes his head. Fade out.]

Scene II

[The apartment two weeks later. Janet is in her nightgown and robe, on the couch watching TV.]

ACTOR'S VOICE: (offscreen) My Darling, there's something I must tell you.

ACTRESS'S VOICE: (also offscreen) Yes, Dearest?

ACTOR: I don't know how to begin.

ACTRESS: Just say it.

JANET: (leaning forward) Yeah, say it.

ACTOR: Well, it's just that I, I, I—

JACK: (opening the front door) I hate women!

ANNOUNCER: And now a word from our sponsor. [Janet sighs and turns down the volume.]

JANET: (looking over at Jack) Your date didn't go well? [He slams the door.] I guess not. [Jack paces angrily.] So come over here and tell me about it. Unless I'm included in the women you hate.

JACK: No, of course not. You're not a woman.

JANET: (looking down at herself) Thanks a lot.

JACK: (tossing his hands in the air) No, you know what I mean.

JANET: (patting the couch) Come on, sit, talk.

JACK: (coming over) it's just that Inga did something so incredulous—

JANET: You mean incredible.

JACK: No, incredulous. She wouldn't believe me.

JANET: (laughing) What do you expect when you lied to her about being able to ski?

JACK: No, we're past that.

JANET: Then you finally told her you can't ski?

JACK: (sitting down next to her) Uh, no, this was about something else.

JANET: Great. What was it this time?

JACK: Janet, you make it sound like I'm always lying to girls.

JANET: Aren't you?

JACK: (leering) Well, sometimes it's with instead of to.

JANET: (annoyed and amused) Oh!

JACK: No, really, this time I was telling the truth and she wouldn't believe me.

JANET: What? About what a fabulous lover you are?

JACK: (modestly) Well. (as it sinks in) Hey, what makes you think I'm a great lover?

JANET: (with a straight face) Chrissy told me.

JACK: Janet, I swear to you I never laid a hand on her.

JANET: Jack, I've seen you lay both your hands on her plenty of times, but I know it's only gone so far. And as for your prowess, I figure you probably think you're a great lover, so—

JACK: (defensively) Hey, I am a great lover. Do you want references?

JANET: Is that what you did with Inga, show her your references?

JACK: No, it had nothing to do with that.

JANET: OK, OK, Jack, so what was it she didn't believe?

JACK: Well, it's so silly, but she, well—

JANET: Yes, Jack?

JACK: Well, OK. You know how everyone thinks I'm such a stud for living with two girls?

JANET: Sure, Jack. Whatever. [Jack makes a choking gesture at her.]

JACK: Cute, Janet. Anyway Inga was different.

JANET: She didn't think you were a stud? Even with the references?

JACK: (waving his hands) OK, forget this.

JANET: Come on, Jack, I'm just teasing. What happened?

JACK: (sighing) OK. So when I first told Inga I had two roommates, two female roommates, she was fine with that.

JANET: Well, that's good.

JACK: (shaking his head) No, it's not.

JANET: You want her to not be fine with it?

JACK: No, you see, well, she figured if I was living with two girls, it must be platonic, because I'm a one-woman guy. [Janet snickers. He gives her an annoyed look.]

JANET: I'm sorry. OK, so she thinks you're monogamous. She sounds pretty credulous to me.

JACK: I am monogamous. When it's serious. Sure, I look at other girls, and I'll date more than one casually. But when I find a girl who's right for me, she's all I really want.

JANET: (quietly) Like with Linda.

JACK: (nodding) Like with Linda. Well, most of the time with Linda.

JANET: So I'm sorry, Jack, where's the problem?

JACK: The problem is she found out Chrissy has been away for two weeks and she thinks there's something going on between you and I.

JANET: Me.

JACK: Yes, you.

JANET: Between you and me.

JACK: Yes, Janet, do I have to spell it out for you?

JANET: No, you said "between you and I," but it's "you and me."

JACK: My heart is broken and you're correcting my grammar.

JANET: (shaking her head) Your heart isn't broken. Next week you'll probably meet some girl you like just as much as Inga.

JACK: No, I'm through with women.

JANET: Well, that'll make fooling Mr. Furley easier.

JACK: God, Furley. He's still after me about the rent, and I've lost two jobs in the last two weeks.

JANET: Well, next week you'll probably get another job you can lose.

JACK: Very funny, Janet. That's what I love about you. You're so sweet and supportive.

JANET: (smiling) Yeah, I know.

JACK: (glancing at the TV) What are you watching?

JANET: Oh, the show! I've completely lost the thread of it now.

JACK: It looks like some drippy romance. There must be something else on. [He picks up the remote and changes the channel.] Oo, _Bride of the Mummy_, this is a classic! [He turns up the volume. Janet shakes her head and smiles.] Now don't be scared at this part, Janet. I'm here.

JANET: Yes, good thing I'm not watching this alone. [Scary music. Jack jumps and puts his arms around her.] Um, hi.

JACK: (softly) Hi.

JANET: So what happens next?

JACK: What?

JANET: In the movie?

JACK: Uh, I don't want to spoil it for you. [He lets go and gets up.] I need to get some sleep if I'm going looking for a job tomorrow. [He quickly exits to his room. Janet looks after him, then sighs and settles into watching the movie. Fade.]

Scene III

[Janet is watering plants in the living room a few days later. The phone rings. She sets down the watering can and answers the phone.]

JANET: Hello? Oh, hi, Chrissy. What's new? [Pause] Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well, I hope she'll start feeling better soon. What's new with me? Oh, same old same old. Jack? Well, he lost a girlfriend and found a job. No, different girlfriend and different job than last week. What? OK, I will. Take care, Sweetie. [She hangs up. She starts watering the plants again. Jack comes in. She smiles and sets down the watering can. She goes to Jack and hugs him.]

JACK: Wow, I knew you were grateful for me delivering those flowers this afternoon, but I wasn't expecting that.

JANET: (smiling and letting go) That's from Chrissy. You just missed her call.

JACK: Oh, too bad. I'd like to talk to her. But it was worth it missing her, since I met Twinkie.

JANET: (worried) What?

JACK: Larry's new girlfriend.

JANET: You know Larry is Sweetcheeks? Uh, I mean—

JACK: It's okay, Janet. Twinkie told me.

JANET: (shaking her head) What?

JACK: I saw his picture when I delivered his flowers. Along with Nick, Kenny, and Elliot.

JANET: Elliot?

JACK: Yeah, apparently Larry's met his match. She's got about as many boyfriends as he's got girlfriends.

JANET: (worried) Oh.

JACK: Yeah, but Larry obviously doesn't mind, so why should we? And she's a nice girl. Well, not a "nice girl." But you know.

JANET: Jack, actually, Larry is—

LARRY: (appearing in the open doorway) Larry is what?

JANET: Larry is here at a bad time, since you're about to make dinner, Jack.

JACK: Janet, don't be rude. Larry, you can stay for dinner. We have a lot to catch up on.

LARRY: So Janet told you.

JACK: No, I figured it out for myself.

LARRY: Oh, so when I didn't turn up at the Beagle Happy Hour last night, you must've guessed. Jocko, I've met a girl.

JACK: (with raised eyebrows) Yeah, some girl.

LARRY: One in a million. In fact, I'm in love.

JACK: (floored) You are?

LARRY: Yeah, and that's why I stopped by. I want you have this. [He hands Jack a little black book.]

JACK: This isn't The Book, is it?

LARRY: Yep, I'm retiring. I want you have it, put it to good use.

JACK: Are you sure?

JANET: Yeah, Larry, you just met her yesterday.

LARRY: It only takes a minute, Girl, to fall in love. (singing) To fall in love, yes, to fall in love. Yes, let's fall in—

JACK: Then you don't mind about the other guys?

LARRY: What other guys?

JACK: Uh, well, the other guys who will go insane with jealousy at your luck in finding the girl of your dreams.

LARRY: I wish everyone could have my luck. You especially, Buddy. But don't worry, you'll find Miss Right someday. And meantime, there are a lot of Miss Wrongs in there. Like on p. 87—No, sorry, I've moved on. Jack, thanks for the dinner invite, but I've got plans with Twinkie. [He sighs happily and exits.]

JANET: Jack, we've got to do something.

JACK: (skimming the book) Mm hm.

JANET: (hitting his arm) Jack!

JACK: Sorry. [He reluctantly puts the book away, taking one last peek.]

JANET: We've got to tell Larry the truth.

JACK: Janet, I haven't had much luck with the truth lately.

JANET: Is that why you lied to Larry about your new job?

JACK: Come on, you can imagine what he'd say if he heard what I'm dressed up as.

JANET: (annoyed) Dummy!

JACK: I'm not a dummy! I'm a mechanical man!

JANET: I wasn't talking about your job. [She exits to her room. The scene fades.]

Scene IV

[Larry is in his apartment, primping for a date. The photos of all his girlfriends have been replaced by several of Twinkie. A knock at the door.]

LARRY: (going to the door) Sweetie! [He opens the door. Jack stands there, in the outfit from the previous scene.]

JACK: (trying to be funny) Hi, Baby.

LARRY: (annoyed) I thought you were Twinkie. I told you we have a date tonight.

JACK: I know, but I need to talk to you.

LARRY: OK, but be quick. She'll be here any minute. [Jack steps in.]

JACK: (looking at all the pictures of Twinkie) I see you redecorated.

LARRY: (smiling) Jocko, I've redecorated my life. Love changes you.

JACK: Yeah, well, Larry, it's a funny thing, love. You think you've met the right girl, but things may not work out.

LARRY: (waving his pointer finger at Jack) Oh ho ho, I knew it!

JACK: Knew what?

LARRY: It's so obvious. You're in love with Janet.

JACK: I'm not in love with Janet.

LARRY: Oh, then you're just fooling around till Chrissy gets back?

JACK: (annoyed) Larry, nothing is going on in that apartment. Nothing has ever gone on in that apartment!

LARRY: Well, then you're a big dummy.

JACK: I'm not a dummy! I'm a mechanical man!

LARRY: (laughing) What?

JACK: Um, uh, that's what I wanted to tell you. I have a job at Kruger's Department Store. As a mechanical man.

LARRY: A what?

JACK: You know, sort of an animated mannequin. [He demonstrates a few moves. Larry laughs a lot. Jack looks annoyed.] I knew I shouldn't have told you.

LARRY: No, Jocko, that's great. I bet it helps you with women. [He mechanically walks over to Jack and puts his arms around him.]

JACK: Larry, cut it out.

LARRY: I'm serious, Jack. Next time you're alone with Janet, try this. [He mechanically rubs Jack's back and down to Jack's butt, as a very pretty girl with auburn hair appears in the doorway and stares in disbelief.]

GIRL: (horrified) Sweetcheeks!

LARRY: (quickly letting go of Jack) Twinkie Baby, I can explain!

JACK: (covering his face with both hands and pretending to cry.) I told you, Larry, she was bound to find out!

TWINKIE: Cheating on me with another man! And a deliveryboy!

JACK: I'm not a deliveryboy! I'm a dummy! Um, I mean—

TWINKIE: No, I'm the dummy! [She dashes out.]

LARRY: (to Jack, very annoyed) Thanks a lot, Pal.

JACK: (trying not to laugh) Do you want me to talk to her?

LARRY: No, you need to talk to Janet. (dashing out) Honey-Knees!

JACK: (mouthing it) Honey-Knees?! [He shakes his head and laughs. Then he imitates Larry's back-stroking.] Hm. [Fade. Commercial break.]

Scene V (The Tag)

[Back in the apartment, Janet is reading as Jack comes in.]

JANET: (looking up) It's about time. I'm starving!

JACK: (staring at her) What?

JANET: You said you were gonna cook tonight.

JACK: Oh, right.

JANET: So where did you disappear to?

JACK: Larry's.

JANET: Oh, good. Did you set him straight?

JACK: Uh, not exactly. Janet, there's something I have to ask you.

JANET: (surprised by his serious tone) Yes, Jack?

JACK: Well, I just wondered, do you want—?

JANET: Yes?

JACK: Do you want macaroni or tuna salad tonight?

JANET: (amused) Wow, you're going all out. I love living with a chef.

JACK: Come on, you know that with Chrissy away and my bad luck with jobs, money is tight right now.

JANET: Jack, I'm just teasing. I'm sure I'll like whatever you give me.

JACK: Right. [He hesitates and then goes in the kitchen. Pause. The sound of pots and pans dropping.]

JANET: Jack! Are you all right?

JACK: (offscreen) Never better. [Janet shrugs and shakes her head. Fade. Cut to credits.]


	2. A New Roommate?

Scene I

[Outside a department store, with Jack in the window, dressed in a tux, white make-up, fake black hair and mustache. He moves mechanically as extras pause and then walk by. As Jack faces away, Janet enters Stage Right with a tall good-looking curly-haired man.]

JANET: (pointing at Jack) Oo, there he is!

MAN: The dummy?

JANET: Bill, I told you, he's not a dummy. He's a mechanical man.

BILL: You must be so proud.

JANET: (missing the sarcasm) I am. This is the longest he's held a job in awhile.

BILL: Yeah?

JANET: Yes, two weeks today. [Bill laughs.] Oh, I know it doesn't sound like much, but he just got out of cooking school, and chef jobs are hard to find. Last week he had an offer at a restaurant, but it was for busboy.

BILL: And he'd rather be a dummy. Sorry, mechanical man.

JANET: Well, this pays better. But it's still hard for us to make ends meet. Which is why I'd like you to move in.

BILL: (leering) Yeah?

JANET: Hey, hey, hey, it's not like that. You'd just be another roommate like Jack.

BILL: And that's just platonic?

JANET: Of course.

BILL: Janet, we're dating. You expect me to live with you and not touch you?

JANET: Well, you could hug me.

BILL: Yeah? [He hugs her as Jack turns and sees them. Jack does a mechanical double take.]

JANET: Yeah, Jack hugs me.

BILL: Does he ever kiss you?

JANET: (flustered) Well, you know, just as a friend.

BILL: Like this? [He gives her a big smooch. Jack knocks things over.]

JANET: (a bit breathlessly) No, not quite that friendly.

BILL: Why don't you take me back to your place and show me just what you will and won't do there?

JANET: (nervous but turned on) Oh, OK. [They exit Stage Right, holding hands. Jack puts both of his hands to the window and mouths Janet's name. Then he tries to leave the window, tripping over display items. He makes it outside and then stops.]

JACK: What am I doing? Janet's a grown woman. [Pause] Yeah, and that's why that guy's after her! [He dashes offstage, extras staring at him.]

Scene II

[The apartment. Janet and Bill in the living room.]

JANET: (pointing) And that's the bathroom.

BILL: And where's your bedroom?

JANET: (nervously) My bedroom?

BILL: Well, you told me Jack has his own room, and you and Chrissy used to share yours.

JANET: Oh, right. Well, maybe Jack and I can swap.

BILL: Whoa, Janet, I'm not into that!

JANET: (shaking her head) Swap bedrooms.

BILL: Oh. You had me wondering for a minute. But I should've known, you're not that kind of girl.

JANET: (uncertainly) Right.

BILL: You really meant it when you said platonic.

JANET: Of course.

BILL: Is Jack gay or something?

JANET: What?

BILL: Well, he's been living with two girls for what, three years now?

JANET: Three-and-a-half.

BILL: And he's never tried anything with either of you in all that time?

JANET: (hesitantly) Not a thing.

BILL: Then he must be gay. Besides, he wears make-up.

JANET: (amused) Yeah, right.

BILL: Well, I'm not sharing a room with him.

JANET: What?

BILL: I'm fine with sharing an apartment, but not a bedroom.

JANET: I see. You think he'll try something with you.

BILL: (attempting to be modest) Well, I'm not a bad-looking guy.

JANET: So I'd probably try something with you if we shared a room.

BILL: (leering) Well, I wouldn't mind that.

JANET: How about you get Jack's room and he shares with me?

BILL: (staring at her) What?

JANET: Well, he's gay, so nothing would happen, right?

BILL: Uh, right. Um, Janet, this isn't exactly what I pictured when you suggested living together.

JANET: Let me show you Jack's room. [She goes through Jack's open door. Bill shakes his head and follows. Jack comes in the front door, still in his mechanical man costume.]

JACK: (to himself) God, I hope I'm not too late!

BILL: (offscreen) Mm, firm mattress.

JACK: Oh my God, in my room!

JANET: (offscreen) So what do you think of my proposition?

JACK: (shocked) Little Janet!

JANET: Jack, is that you?

JACK: Uh, I can come back later. (to himself) What am I saying? They're in my room!

JANET: Don't be silly. I want you to meet someone. [She reenters, puling Bill by the hand. Then she laughs, seeing Jack.] Jack, you didn't change before you left work?

JACK: (looking down) Oh, so that's why people were staring on the bus.

JANET: (shaking her head) I can imagine.

BILL: They probably wondered if you were a real man. So to speak. [Jack looks confused. Janet covers her mouth to hide her laughter.]

JACK: So, Janet, are you going to introduce me to your "friend"?

JANET: This is Bill. I've told you about him.

JACK: Oh, right, your new boyfriend.

JANET: And our new roommate.

JACK: What?

JANET: Well, you know Chrissy's mom is still sick and I don't know how long we can stall Furley, so—

JACK: Janet, I make enough money. We don't need a new roommate.

JANET: Jack, I'm happy about your job at Kruger's but— (narrowing her eyes) Hey, aren't you supposed to still be at work?

JACK: Janet, there are more important things than work.

JANET: (puzzled) OK. [Phone rings.] That must be Chrissy. It's her day to call.

JACK: Good, maybe you can get her to send her share of the rent. (to Bill) Not that we need it.

BILL: (as Janet goes to the phone) Wow, you really compensate, don't you?

JACK: (as Janet picks up the phone and talks inaudibly) Compensate?

BILL: Yeah, you have to prove you're a man because you're, well, you know.

JACK: What?

BILL: Look I'm an open-minded kind of guy. But just because people are living together, it doesn't mean something's going to happen.

JACK: (relieved) Oh, I thought that's why you were moving in.

BILL: What? Hey, I don't swing that way.

JACK: What?

JANET: All right, I'll let him know.

JACK: What did Chrissy have to say?

JANET: That wasn't Chrissy. It was Kruger's.

JACK: Oh no!

JANET: Jack, they, they fired you! They said you ran out without explanation, in your costume.

JACK: Well, yeah, but—

JANET: Oh, Jack, what are we going to do now?

BILL: Well, whatever you're doing, it's without me.

JACK & JANET: What?

BILL: I don't know what kind of freaky scene this is, but it's too much for me. Janet, you're too much for me.

JANET: (trying to hide her amusement) I am?

BILL: Yeah, I'm sorry, but this just won't work. I'm—

JANET: Bye.

BILL: No, if I were, I might go for this.

JANET: No, goodbye, Bill.

BILL: Oh, right. Bye, Janet. Jack, it was interesting meeting you.

JACK: (confused) You, too. [Bill exits.] I'm sorry, Janet, I messed things up for you with Bill, didn't I?

JANET: (shrugging) No loss. I'm sorry about your job.

JACK: That's no loss either.

JANET: We're having a great string of luck since Chrissy left, aren't we?

JACK: Hey, at least we've still got each other.

JANET: Yeah. [She hugs him. Then they look at each other and kiss passionately. When they stop, Janet is wearing Jack's fake mustache.] Jack, I— [He starts laughing. She looks annoyed.] What's so funny?

JACK: (lightly stroking her upper lip) You look good in a mustache.

JANET: (reaching up to touch it) Oh. (amused) Maybe you are gay.

JACK: Yeah, no interest in women at all. [He kisses her again, more slowly this time. A tall blonde in a cowboy hat enters the open door, carrying suitcases. She stares at them.]

GIRL: Um, I must have the wrong apartment. [Jack and Janet break apart, he again wearing the mustache, and stare back at her. Fade, cut to commercial.]

Scene III

[The same setting, the three of them in poses close to where we left off.]

GIRL: Sorry to bother you, but I'm looking for Jack Tripper and Janet Wood.

JACK: That's us.

JANET: We.

GIRL: Oh, parlais vous francais?

JANET: No, it's we, not us. (seeing the girl look confused) Never mind. Um, who are you?

GIRL: Cindy Snow, Chrissy's cousin.

JACK: Chrissy's cousin. Well, it's nice of you to visit but Chrissy is away right now, taking care of her sick mother.

CINDY: I know, that's why I'm here.

JACK: (to Janet) She must be related to Chrissy. That made no sense.

CINDY: Didn't you get Chrissy's letter? [She sets down her bags.]

JANET: Oh, well, yes but I didn't read it yet.

JACK: (to Cindy) Actually, she tore open the envelope and tossed it aside when she saw there was no money in it. [Janet hits him.]

JANET: (to Cindy) Not that I didn't want to read it, but, well, we're in a financial bind right now. The rent's overdue and—

CINDY: I know, that's why I'm here.

JACK: I thought you were here to help your sick aunt.

CINDY: How am I going to do that when she's up in Fresno?

JANET: Let's start over. Hi, Cindy, it's nice to meet you. What brings you to L.A.?

CINDY: Well, I was going to move in with you but now I'm rethinking that.

JACK: We're really nice people, honest.

CINDY: I'm sure you are. But I wouldn't feel comfortable here.

JACK: You've hardly seen the apartment yet.

CINDY: No, it looks like a nice place.

JACK: So if we're nice and it's nice, what's the problem?

JANET: Jack, if she doesn't want to live here, she doesn't have to.

JACK: Janet, we could use a third roommate again. Especially now that I've lost my job at Kruger's.

JANET: (mischievously) Well, I could call Bill and see if he wants to reconsider.

CINDY: Bill? Who's Bill?

JANET: My boyf—Well, my ex-boyfriend I guess.

CINDY: Oh, was this before you got together with Jack?

JANET: What?

CINDY: Well, I did walk in on you two kissing.

JANET: Oh, right. [She glances at Jack.]

CINDY: I just wish Cindy had told me.

JACK: Um she doesn't know.

CINDY: Oh, I see, you got together after she left.

JANET: Well, sort of.

CINDY: Don't worry, I won't tell her. I'll make up some excuse why I'm not moving in.

JACK: You really don't want to live with us?

CINDY: Well, no offense, but I'd feel funny being around a courting couple. [Jack and Janet mouth "Courting?" at each other.] Especially when you're sort of in the honeymoon stage.

JANET: We're not—

JACK: We're not that demonstrative. And we can be discreet. [Janet stares at him.]

CINDY: Well, I don't know.

JACK: Look, you don't have any other place to stay tonight, do you?

CINDY: No, I don't know a soul in L.A.

JACK: (to Janet) She doesn't know a soul. Isn't that heart-breaking?

JANET: (sarcastically) Tragic.

JACK: Now let me just carry your bags.

CINDY: Well, since you're so neighborly. [They reach for a suitcase at the same time. They bump heads and her cowboy hat falls off.] Oh, I'm so sorry, Jack! [She tries to help him up but instead knocks him over with her other suitcase.]

JANET: (amused) Jack, maybe we need someone to carry you.

JACK: (getting to his feet) No, I'm fine, I've got it.

CINDY: Do you want me to help?

JACK: Yes, in the same way you're helping your aunt by coming to L.A.

CINDY: How's that?

JACK: At a distance. [Cindy still looks confused. Janet tries not to laugh. Jack picks up both suitcases and walks backwards. You just stay there, I've got everything under— [He trips over her hat.] Control. [He stumbles into the girls' room.]

CINDY: So the other room must be yours.

JANET: What?

CINDY: Yours and Jack's.

JANET: Well, actually—

CINDY: Yes?

JANET: I still sleep in my old room. Jack needs his space.

CINDY: Oh, I see. So what's it like going from roommates to special friends?

JANET: (slowly) Well— [Larry knocks on the open door.]

LARRY: (eying Cindy) Well, well, well. Who do we have here?

JANET: Larry, this is Chrissy's cousin Cindy. Cindy, Larry is Jack's best friend.

CINDY: (shaking his hand) Well, any friend of Jack's is a friend of mine.

LARRY: (clasping her hand) And any cousin of Chrissy's is a cousin of mine. Kissing cousin. [He kisses her hand.]

CINDY: That's funny! [She slaps his shoulder with her free hand. He almost falls over.]

LARRY: (regaining his balance literally and figuratively) So tell me, Cindy, how long are you here for?

CINDY: (uncertainly, looking at Janet) Well.

JANET: Till Chrissy comes back.

LARRY: Then we don't have much time.

CINDY: What?

LARRY: Much time to see the sights of L.A.

CINDY: Oo, can we go to the zoo?

LARRY: What?

CINDY: I love animals.

LARRY: She loves animals.

JANET: (becoming protective) Uh, Larry—

LARRY: How about I show you the Regal Beagle?

CINDY: They have dogs at the zoo? [Larry tries not to laugh. Then he puts on his Mr. Smooth act again.]

LARRY: No, the Regal Beagle is a pub, close by. It's a little late in the day for a zoo, but just right for a pub.

CINDY: Oh, thank you, but I'm not old enough to drink.

LARRY: (dropping her hand) You're not legal?

CINDY: No, I'm only 19.

LARRY: (relieved) You had me worried for a minute.

CINDY: But I can't drink for another two years.

LARRY: It's okay. I won't ask you to do anything you're not old enough for. [He starts to escort her out.]

CINDY: (puzzled but flattered) Uh, see you later, Janet. [She exits. Janet looks as if she wants to say something but stops herself. Jack enters and looks around.]

JACK: Where's Cindy?

JANET: (half to herself) An innocent girl all alone with a ladies' man.

JACK: (mock-modestly) Well.

JANET: (hitting him) Not you. Cindy just left with Larry.

JACK: So?

JANET: So I'm worried about her safety.

JACK: (rubbing his bruised elbow) I'd worry more about his.

JANET: Very funny, Jack. Cindy is an innocent country girl. She's not ready for smooth-talking city men like Larry. Or you.

JACK: Me?

JANET: Yes, you. What was with you insisting she move in?

JACK: Janet, she can pay one-third of the rent. Besides, you wanted Bill to move in, and that was before I lost my job.

JANET: And you didn't want a roommate then. You weren't jealous, were you?

JACK: Moi? I think you're the jealous one.

JANET: Yeah, right.

JACK: Janet?

JANET: What?

JACK: Do you realize we're alone again and we're wasting time arguing?

JANET: Oh. (blushing) Right.

JACK: So where was I? [They hug and kiss. Fade to commercial.]

Scene IV (Tag)

[Just outside the apartment. Cindy stands in the doorway, Larry close by. He leans forward to kiss her.]

CINDY: Goodnight, Larry.

JANET: (offscreen) Goodnight, Larry.

JACK: (also offscreen) Goodnight, Larry. [Larry sighs, defeated.]

LARRY: Goodnight, Cindy. Goodnight, Janet. Goodnight, Jack. Goodnight, John-Boy. [He heads downstairs. The camera shifts to the living room. Jack and Janet are sitting on the couch. Jack has changed into a casual outfit, no longer with make-up. Neither he nor Janet is wearing the mustache.]

JACK: You didn't stay out that long. [He throws a quick glance at Janet.] Didn't you have a good time with Larry?

CINDY: No, I did.

JANET: (worried) How good?

CINDY: Larry is a lot of fun. He let me win at darts.

JACK: (quietly to Janet) Darts? He's a brave man. [Janet tries not to laugh.]

CINDY: But then I told him I wanted to go right to bed.

JACK & JANET: What?

CINDY: (yawning) I'm so tired from my trip. Don't worry about waking me up when you come in, Janet. [Jack stares at Janet. Cindy goes into the girls' bedroom.]

JACK: You're sleeping in there?

JANET: Well, of course, Jack. It's my room. [She fakes a yawn.] I'm sleepy, too. Goodnight. [She quickly exits.]

JACK: (shaking his head) The more things change. [Cut to credits.]


	3. The One with the Big Misunderstanding

Scene I

[Janet is in the kitchen, in her robe, eating cereal. Jacks comes in his pajamas.]

JANET: (self-consciously) Hi, Jack.

JACK: (pulling up a chair) Janet, we need to talk.

JANET: (cheerily) About what?

JACK: About yesterday.

JANET: Jack, I told you, I'm perfectly fine now with Cindy moving in.

JACK: This has nothing to do with Cindy. It's about last night.

JANET: Nothing happened last night.

JACK: I know, and that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

JANET: Jack Tripper, just because we shared a few kisses doesn't mean—

JACK: (disappointed) Oh, I see.

JANET: What?

JACK: I should've known when we were all alone and you made me take off my clothes.

JANET: What?

JACK: I mean my costume from Kruger's. And after I changed and washed the make-up off, you just wanted to talk about Cindy. And before we could talk about us, Cindy and Larry came back from the Beagle. And then you couldn't wait to sleep in your own room.

JANET: Jack Tripper, if you're implying I have a lesbian crush on Cindy—

JACK: (staring at her) What?

JANET: Um, I mean— [Cindy bursts in, wearing a shortie nightie.]

CINDY: Good morning. (seeing how uncomfortable they look) Um, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

JACK: No, not at all. How did you sleep?

CINDY: All right I guess. You know how it is when you're in a strange bed. [Janet blushes.]

JACK: Uh, right.

CINDY: So are you going to make it?

JACK: What?

CINDY: Breakfast, I'm starved.

JACK: (glumly) No, I'm not going to make it today.

JANET: (seeing Cindy's confusion) It's Saturday and sometimes we sleep in. So Jack usually doesn't cook on Saturday mornings.

CINDY: (disappointed) Oh.

JACK: But in honor of our new roomie, I'll see what I can do.

CINDY: (smiling) Gee, thanks, Jack! You're the best! [Janet looks annoyed.]

Scene II

[The same scene, now with the remains of breakfast on the table.]

CINDY: Thanks, Jack! You're as good a cook as Chrissy said.

JACK: (modestly) Oh, it was nothing.

CINDY: And now I have to show my appreciation.

JACK: (leaning forward to be kissed) Yes?

CINDY: Yeah, I'll do all these dirty dishes.

JACK: (disappointed) Oh. Well, thanks.

CINDY: No problem. I miss my chores on the farm.

JACK: Would you like me to dry while you wash?

JANET: (getting up and tugging on Jack's arm) I'm sure she can manage on her own. And I need to speak to you in the other room.

JACK: (as Janet drags him out) Excuse us. [The camera shifts to Jack and Janet entering the living room, the kitchen door swinging shut behind them. The sound of running water comes from the kitchen.]

JANET: (whispering) And what was that about?

JACK: What?

JANET: All that flirting with Cindy.

JACK: Why, are you jealous?

JANET: I'm not a lesbian!

JACK: I never said you were. There's no way you could've shared a room with Chrissy all these years if you were.

JANET: What?

JACK: Well, considering how sexy she is.

JANET: (infuriated) Oh! [She goes across the room, and keeps her back to him.]

JACK: Wait. If you're not interested in me, why are you jealous?

JANET: (still not looking at him) If I weren't interested, why would I have kissed you?

JACK: I don't know. Curiosity? [She laughs and then frowns.] So why did you kiss me?

JANET: (looking at her watch) Oh, gosh, it's getting late! I've got to get ready for work. [She moves towards her room.]

JACK: Janet, it's Saturday.

JANET: Oh, right. [She looks at him.]

JACK: (coming closer) So if you are interested, why did you back away?

JANET: (edging closer to her room) I didn't back away.

JACK: Yes, you did. Like you didn't want to be alone with me anymore.

JANET: (as he still approaches and she retreats) Jack, this is a big step for me. To go from just roommates to, you know. [She's reached her door by now and can't retreat any further without opening it.]

JACK: (still coming closer) Hey, it's a big step for me, too. But I'm ready to take it.

JANET: That's different. You're not— [She blushes.]

JACK: (gently) Janet, are you—? [Loud knocking.]

FURLEY: Open up! It's R.F.! [Jack frowns and turns towards the front door.]

JACK: (going towards that door) Let me get rid of Furley, and then we'll finish this conversation.

JANET: (nervously) OK. [Jack reaches the front door and opens it to Furley, who's in zebra-print pajamas.]

JACK: Good morning, Mr. Furley. Nice p.j.s.

FURLEY: Never mind the amenities. I want some answers around here.

JACK: (quietly) You're not the only one.

JANET: Mr. Furley, if it's about the rent—

FURLEY: This is a lot more important than the rent. [They stare at him.] OK, as important as the rent. But first things first. Two weeks ago I overheard a fight between Larry and a girl.

JANET: Shame on you, Mr. Furley! Eavesdropping!

FURLEY: They were in the parking lot. And she was dumping him because she caught him, well—Janet, cover your ears.

JANET: (amused but doing so) OK.

FURLEY: (confidentially to Jack) She caught him in the arms of another man.

JACK: (surprised) Larry? I don't believe it.

FURLEY: (backing away) You were the other man.

JACK: Oh, right. Well, I can explain. See, I was a dummy. Well, not a dummy but—

FURLEY: I'm not finished. So I confronted Larry after the girl drove off. Because one tippy-toes is one thing, but two tippy-toes is another.

JACK: (annoyed) Right.

FURLEY: And he said he was showing you how to hit on Janet.

JANET: (dropping her hands in surprise) What?

FURLEY: Cover your ears!

JANET: (reluctantly doing so) OK.

JACK: (trying to play innocent) Why would I be hitting on Janet?

FURLEY: Because you're in love with her.

JACK: (flustered) Well, I— [He looks at Janet, who clearly can hear just fine.] I like Janet. But, Mr. Furley, you know I'm, well, a tippy-toes.

FURLEY: That's why I didn't say anything at first. But then yesterday, I was talking to a man who'd just come down from your apartment.

JANET: Bill?

FURLEY: Yes, Bill. And stop listening!

JANET: Sorry.

FURLEY: And this Bill fellow told me that you two tried to lure him into kinky sex games.

JANET: That fink! Oh, sorry.

FURLEY: So it's true!

JACK: Mr. Furley, this is all just a big misunderstanding. You're just confused—

FURLEY: Sounds like you're the confused one. And a tippy-toes that steps in both directions is worse than one with two left feet.

JACK & JANET: What?

FURLEY: Look, once and for all, what's going on in this apartment? [Sound of dishes dropping. Furley's eyes bug out.] What was that?

JACK: Oh, well, that's just—

JANET: Cindy, come out here!

CINDY: (poking her head through the kitchen door) Janet, I'm really sorry about that. I'll pay for the dishes just as soon as—

FURLEY: Who's this?

JANET: This is Chrissy's cousin Cindy. She's going to be staying with us while Chrissy's away.

FURLEY: (not really understanding) Oh.

JANET: Cindy, this is Mr. Furley, our landlord.

CINDY: (understanding immediately) Oh! [She comes out and goes over to shake his hand.] Sir, I'm very pleased to meet you. (as they let go) I've never lived in an apartment before. Are all landlords as forceful as you?

FURLEY: (mock modestly) Well, I guess it comes with the territory.

JANET: Now, Mr. Furley, if anything were going on between me and Jack, would we have a nice wholesome girl like Cindy move in with us?

JACK: We would if we needed the rent money. [Janet glares at him. He looks apologetic and then mimes zipping his mouth.]

FURLEY: Speaking of the rent—

CINDY: Don't worry, Mr. Furley, I'll get it to you right away.

FURLEY: Well, that's more like it.

CINDY: Yes, as soon as I get my first paycheck, in two weeks.

THE OTHER THREE: What?

CINDY: Well, I don't start my job at Chrissy's office till Monday. And then my first paycheck won't be—

JANET: You mean you moved down here with nothing?

CINDY: But, Janet, that's the pioneer spirit. You start out with nothing and then you build a life. People come from all over the world to live in America, and sometimes they have even less than I have in my two suitcases. All they've got are their dreams and a love of hard work.

FURLEY: (almost crying) That's beautiful!

CINDY: And look at Governor Reagan. He grew up the son of an alcoholic shoe salesman, and now he's a famous movie star and almost the President.

JACK: OK, Cindy, enough.

FURLEY: (to Cindy) You can stay here as long as you like. [He blows his nose and exits. The other three hug happily, Cindy in the middle.]

JANET: That was amazing!

JACK: How'd you learn to do that?

CINDY: It's like milking cows.

JACK & JANET: What?

CINDY: You learn how to coax cows to give milk. And people are just like cattle sometimes.

JANET: Yeah, udderly the same. [Jack groans and Cindy laughs.]

JACK: Janet, I've got a beef with your puns.

CINDY: You two really know how to milk it. [They all laugh. And then Jack moos. Larry enters the open door, dressed for the beach. Scene fades, cut to commercial.]

Scene III

[Picking up where the last scene left off.]

LARRY: Um, hi.

JACK: Larry, I can explain.

LARRY: No need. Cindy's homesick, right? Oink oink.

JANET: How appropriate.

CINDY: (confused) I don't understand.

JACK: You get used to that around here.

LARRY: Can I talk to Cindy a moment?

JACK: Yeah, go ahead.

LARRY: I mean with a little privacy.

JACK: Oh, sure. [He and Janet let go of Cindy. Larry leads her to the side of the room.]

CINDY: Is this about last night?

JANET: (worried) Last night?

LARRY: Ahem.

JANET: Sorry.

CINDY: (to Larry) I never meant to hurt you.

JACK: What?

LARRY: Do you mind?

CINDY: But I told you I never played darts before.

JACK & JANET: Oh.

LARRY: (to Cindy) It's okay, nine toes are more than enough.

CINDY: (looking down at his sandals and pointing at his toes) One, two, three—

LARRY: I'm kidding. I'm such a kidder.

JANET: Yeah, you can't believe half of what Larry says.

LARRY: (annoyed) Can we have more privacy than this?

JANET: Fine. Jack, I need to speak with you in the kitchen. [She leads him out. Scene shifts to the kitchen.]

JACK: Janet, about Larry—

JANET: He's unbelievable!

JACK: There really wasn't anything going on the day that Twinkie caught us.

JANET: Oh, I know that. I'm not worried about him putting the moves on you.

JACK: And the thing about me being in love with—

JANET: I'm worried about him putting the moves on Cindy.

JACK: What?

JANET: Jack, you know how protective I was about Chrissy. And Cindy is even younger and more innocent.

JACK: I think Cindy can take care of herself. You know, moo.

JANET: (not laughing) I think you should have a talk with him.

JACK: Me?

JANET: Yes, you. You're his best friend. He'll listen to you.

JACK: Not necessarily.

JANET: Fine. Then I'll have a talk with Cindy.

JACK: OK, OK, I'll see what I can do.

JANET: Thank you. [She kisses him.]

JACK: Mm. Of course, if Cindy's out with Larry, that means more time alone for us.

JANET: Not now, Jack. [She exits.]

JACK: When? [Scene shifts back to the living room.]

CINDY: Oh, Janet, Larry just asked me to the beach!

JANET: How nice.

CINDY: But I can't go.

JANET: Oh, too bad.

LARRY: (to Cindy) I know you still haven't had a chance to unpack and settle in. But there's time for that later.

CINDY: (as Jack enters) No, it's not that. I just don't have a swimsuit.

LARRY: (grinning) Not a problem.

JANET: What?

LARRY: Janet can loan you one. Can't you, Jan?

JANET: (looking up at Cindy) We're not exactly the same size.

CINDY: Maybe I can borrow from Jack.

JACK: Uh, I don't have any bikinis.

CINDY: No, when I was a kid I used to wear my big brother's shorts and baggy T-shirts to the old swimming hole.

LARRY: (dubiously) Sounds lovely.

CINDY: Then it'll be okay on an L.A. beach?

LARRY: Heads will turn.

CINDY: Great! Gee, this'll be fun.

JANET: I'll help you look through Jack's clothes, while the guys have a little chat. [She leads Cindy into Jack's room.]

LARRY: (to Jack) What are you two doing?

JACK: What?

LARRY: I wanted to get Cindy into my shorts, not yours.

JACK: OK, Larry, listen. Cindy's not like your other girls. She grew up on a farm.

LARRY: Exactly!

JACK: Huh?

LARRY: In every traveling salesman joke, there's a farmer's daughter.

JACK: Well, actually, I heard one once where it was a moose and a—

LARRY: Farmgirls are hot!

JACK: OK, Larry, let me put this another way. If you touch Cindy, I'll kill you.

LARRY: Jack, Jocko, you're my best friend. You wouldn't do that.

JACK: Then Janet would kill you.

LARRY: (nodding) Janet would do that.

JACK: Right. So be a gentleman with her.

LARRY: With Janet? No problem.

JACK: No, Larry— [Janet reenters.] Did you two find something for her to wear?

JANET: Yes, she'll be out in a minute. Now I'll go change.

JACK: You?

JANET: Yes, Cindy invited us along. And I have a bikini. [She smiles at Jack.]

JACK: Yes, you certainly do.

JANET: (blowing him a kiss) Back in a minute. [Jack stares lustfully after her, as she goes into her room]

LARRY: OK, Buddy, you can put your tongue back in your mouth.

JACK: No, I, I, I wasn't—

LARRY: So that's why you're letting Janet push you around.

JACK: She is not pushing me around!

LARRY: So what's really going on with you two?

JACK: You tell me. You told Furley after all.

LARRY: Oh, yeah, about that— [Cindy comes in, modestly dressed in Jack's T-shirt and shorts.]

CINDY: How do I look?

LARRY: Striking. So Janet helped you pick that out, huh?

CINDY: Uh huh. She has such nice fashion sense.

LARRY: Yes, doesn't she?

CINDY: So, Jack, are you going with us?

JACK: (seeing how annoyed Larry looks) Well, I don't know.

CINDY: Please. Janet's going.

JACK: Well, yeah, if Janet's going. Excuse me un momentito. [He exits to his room.]

LARRY: (looking at Cindy) So this is what you'd wear to the old swimming hole?

CINDY: Well, yeah, when I was a kid. The problem is, well, when a T-shirt gets wet, it's sort of revealing.

LARRY: (grinning) Ah, good point.

CINDY: But with you and Jack there to protect me, I should be fine.

LARRY: And don't forget Jan— [Janet reenters in a very sexy bikini.] Janet!

CINDY: Oh, what a cute suit! You'll have to show me where you bought it. I mean, once my paycheck comes in.

LARRY: Well, if you're strapped for cash, Uncle Larry might be able to float you a loan.

CINDY: Oh, I couldn't take your money.

LARRY: I'm sure you'll repay me when you get a chance. And it's for a good cause. [He takes out his wallet and removes a few bills.] Do you think that'll be enough?

CINDY: (taking it) Oh, thank you. (handing it to Janet) Here, this can go towards the rent.

JANET: (smiling) Thanks.

LARRY: Hey, wait a minute—

JANET: (slipping the money into her top) Yes, Larry?

LARRY: Um, won't the money get wet when you go swimming?

JANET: Oh, I'm not going in the water. It's too cold in December.

CINDY: Oh, good point. Yeah, I think I'll just stay on the sand. [Larry looks utterly disappointed. Jack reenters, in swimtrunks and sandals.]

JACK: (staring at Janet) Well, well, well.

JANET: Yes, I got it from Cindy.

JACK: What?

JANET: The money for the rent.

JACK: Oh. (smiling) Well, I'll have to slip you something later myself.

JANET: (blushing) Whatever you can.

CINDY: (to Larry) These two are really something, aren't they?

LARRY: Uh, yeah, something. Jocko, about you and Janet—

JACK: Don't worry, Larry, it's a big beach. We'll stay out of your way.  
>[Scene fades. Cut to commercial.]<p>

Scene IV (The Tag)

[The living room again, Janet sitting on the couch in her bikini.]

JACK: (offscreen) Janet, I really wish we hadn't gone to the beach with Cindy and Larry.

JANET: Jack, I know you would've rather spent the day alone, but I was worried, so—

JACK: Not that. [He comes in from the kitchen with an icepack held to his head, and band-aids on his bare arms and legs.]

JANET: How are you feeling now?

JACK: I'll live. And Larry is in worse shape.

JANET: (annoyed) Or he's pretending to be, to get Cindy's sympathy.

JACK: Let's not talk about them anymore. Let's talk about us.

JANET: (nervously) Us?

JACK: Yes, every time we're alone, we get interrup— [Cindy bursts in the front door.]

JANET: (amused) How's Larry doing?

CINDY: Well, he wanted to go to bed.

JACK & JANET: What?

CINDY: So I said goodnight. But we'll go to the zoo tomorrow.

JACK: The zoo?

JANET: That sounds like fun.

CINDY: No offense, Janet, but maybe you two had better stay at home this time.

JANET: What?

CINDY: I know you're trying to make me feel welcome here, but it's sort of embarrassing being around you two flirting all the time. I just want to spend a nice casual day with Larry.

JANET: Oh.

CINDY: You're not mad, are you?

JANET: No, not at all. Uh, actually, Jack and I could use some time alone.

JACK: Mercy! [Fade. Cut to credits.]


	4. A Very Special Episode

ABC ANNOUNCER: (as the words roll onscreen) Tonight we air a very special episode of _Two's a Crowd_. It contains mature language and situations, although presented in our usual tasteful manner. Viewer discretion is advised. And, yes, we'll cram in more commercials because we know you won't dare turn away in case you miss something.

Scene I

[The living room, Jack reading the Sunday paper. Knock at the door.]

CINDY: (offscreen) Jack, can you get that? I'm not ready yet.

JACK: OK. [He sets down the paper and goes to open the door to Larry.]

LARRY: Hey, Jocko, what's happening?

JACK: Cindy will be out in a minute.

LARRY: Great, but I meant what's happening with you?

JACK: Me? I'm just reading the paper.

LARRY: OK, fine, don't tell your best friend.

JACK: Tell you what?

LARRY: But don't insult my intelligence.

JACK: I wasn't—

LARRY: And where's Janet?

JACK: She's still in bed.

LARRY: You dog you! Wore her out, did you?

JACK: (embarrassed) Oh, no, Larry, about me and Janet—

CINDY: (bursting in from the girls' room) Hi, Larry.

JACK: (to Larry) Not in front of Cindy.

LARRY: Got ya. Cindy baby, you look great!

CINDY: Oh, Larry, I bet you say that to all the girls.

LARRY: Only the ones named Cindy.

CINDY: (laughing) Oh, Larry!

JANET: (offscreen) Cindy, could you shut the door? I need my sleep.

CINDY: Oh, sorry, Janet. [She slams the door shut.] Oops!

LARRY: Wait, Janet sleeps in there?

CINDY: Well, it's her room, isn't it?

LARRY: (slowly) Right. (to Jack) Oh, she doesn't know.

JACK: Right, so don't say anything.

LARRY: Got ya. Well, shall we go?

CINDY: Yeah, I'm ready.

JACK: Have fun you two.

LARRY: You, too. Uh, I mean—

JACK: Goodbye, Larry. Bye, Cindy.

CINDY: Bye, Jack. [She and Larry exit. Jack shakes his head and then goes back to reading the paper. After a moment, Janet comes in, wearing her robe.]

JACK: Hey, I thought you were sleeping.

JANET: No, not with Cindy around.

JACK: Well, she's gone now.

JANET: With Larry?

JACK: Yeah.

JANET: Jack, maybe we should—

JACK: Janet, you promised you wouldn't worry about Cindy anymore. Besides, what can Larry do at the zoo?

JANET: He's capable of anything. I'd worry even if he were taking her to church.

JACK: (smiling) That's unlikely.

JANET: Still.

JACK: You wanna go after them, don't you?

JANET: No, actually I was going to suggest we get more intimate.

JACK: Hurt me! [He quickly clears the paper off the couch for her.]

JANET: (amused) I meant by talking.

JACK: Oh. Well, it's a start. [Janet sits next to him.] And I understand, you don't want to rush into this. The first time and everything.

JANET: (nodding) Whenever I cross that line with a guy, I feel—

JACK: (raising his pointer finger) Hold on. That line?

JANET: (blushing) Yes, Jack, sex.

JACK: (waving both hands) Whoa, whoa, whoa!

JANET: What?

JACK: Well, I just assumed you were—

JANET: Jack, you know I'm not as experienced as you, so for me—

JACK: No, no, no. You're a virgin.

JANET: Jack, I'm 25.

JACK: So? You're a girl.

JANET: So are all the girls you date virgins?

JACK: (scoffing) Sure, Janet.

JANET: (annoyed) Typical male double standard. I should've known you'd have a virgin-whore complex. Well, sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Tripper, but I'm neither. [She stands up.]

JACK: No, Janet, I'm sorry. You're right.

JANET: (sitting down again) I am?

JACK: Yeah. Even though you're very sexy—

JANET: (blushing) Thank you.

JACK: Don't distract me. Even though you've got those eyes and that—OK, let me start over. I put you—and Chrissy and Cindy—in a different category than other girls. Because I live with you.

JANET: Which is why you're always grabbing us.

JACK: I'm not always grabbing you. [She looks at him.] OK, maybe a little. But I always figured nothing would ever really happen. And then I was alone with you for those weeks after Chrissy and before Cindy. And I—

JANET: Yes, Jack?

JACK: (quietly) I fell in love with you.

JANET: (skeptically) After 3 1/2 years?

JACK: Well, I always loved you, as a friend. But it felt different. It still feels different. It feels good. [He kisses her softly.]

JANET: It didn't take me that long.

JACK: You're in love with me?

JANET: Yes, and I have been for a very long time.

JACK: Wow! Why didn't you say something?

JANET: Because I could see you didn't feel that way about me. And you were with Linda then, so—

JACK: You loved me back then? [Janet nods.] But, Janet, you knew that Linda and I weren't always exclusive. We saw other people sometimes.

JANET: I didn't want to be one of your flings.

JACK: You could never be that. Especially since I thought you were a virgin.

JANET: (looking at the ceiling in annoyance) Oh!

JACK: So, Janet, how many?

JANET: How many what?

JACK: You know. How many guys did you—?

JANET: What difference does it make?

JACK: Well, when you tell me I'm the best, I want to know how many I beat out. [She shakes her head.] Please, Janet. I'm going to wonder otherwise.

JANET: OK, fine. Do blowjobs count?

JACK: What?

JANET: It's eight then.

JACK: With or without the—Never mind. Eight. Eight's not bad.

JANET: Eight is enough.

JACK: Yeah.

JANET: And you?

JACK: Oh, somewhere in the double digits.

JANET: You don't know?

JACK: Well, are we counting nonvag—God, I can't say that word to you.

JANET: It's okay, Jack. We don't have to talk about this if you're uncomf—

JACK: Thirty-seven.

JANET: Thirty-seven?

JACK: Yeah, approximately.

JANET: Wow, I don't think I've seen you actually go out with even half that many.

JACK: I did have a life before I moved in here.

JANET: And you're giving that up for me?

JACK: Absolutely. [He kisses her.] So, uh, did I know any of these guys?

JANET: Jack, what does it matter?

JACK: Hey, you're met all the girls I've been with in the last three years.

JANET: OK, fine. Jim.

JACK: Jim who?

JANET: I don't know his last name.

JACK: (shocked) Janet!

JANET: No, you know, we always call him "Jim the Bartender."

JACK: You slept with Jim the Bartender?

JANET: Yeah, a few times.

JACK: Oh my God! All this time he's been serving us, I had no idea he was giving you an extra service.

JANET: (getting to her feet again) Jack Tripper, I will not be treated like this!

JACK: OK, you're right. I'm sorry. Sit down. [She does, reluctantly.] So I've met one of your eight. Fine.

JANET: Well, two.

JACK: What? [The scene fades to a very long commercial break.]

Scene II

[The scene picks up where we left off.]

JACK: Who else besides Jim the Bartender have you slept with?

JANET: (warning him) Jack.

JACK: Sorry, I'll be calm. So who was he?

JANET: Well, it was Doug.

JACK: Who?

JANET: Debbie's friend.

JACK: Debbie who?

JANET: What, she wasn't one of your thirty-seven?

JACK: (trying to remember) Debbie, Debbie, Debbie. Oh! The one living with two guys. And Doug was one of the two guys.

JANET: Right. For once I didn't have to explain my living situation to a guy. Because he knew what it was like to live platonically in a mixed household. Well, mostly platonically.

JACK: Janet, we weren't—

JANET: No, Doug and Debbie.

JACK: What?

JANET: It was before she met you. They started out as boyfriend and girlfriend and then decided to be friends.

JACK: Oh, sort of the opposite of you and me.

JANET: Yeah, although if you keep up your double standard, I may not be your friend anymore.

JACK: Janet, don't even joke about that. You're my best friend.

JANET: I thought Larry was.

JACK: Well, he's my best guy friend. But you're my best girl friend. Well, not a girlfriend, but a girl who's a friend.

JANET: No, Jack, I think we're dating now.

JACK: Actually, I don't think we've been on a date yet.

JANET: We're doing things very out of order. [She kisses him.] Maybe you'll be my lover before you're my boyfriend.

JACK: Janet, don't tease me like that.

JANET: (into his ear) How about like this? [Jack exhales loudly.] Or like this? [Her hand grazes his thigh.]

JACK: Janet?

JANET: Yes, Jack?

JACK: Your place or mine?

JANET: (smiling) Yours. Just in case Cindy comes back early.

JACK: You got it. [He scoops her off the couch and carries her to his room. They kiss along the way.] Uh, can you get the door? [She nods and opens it.] Thanks. [He carries her in.] Uh, can you close it now? [She shuts the door.] Thanks.

JANET: (startled, offscreen) Jack!

JACK: (also offscreen) Sorry, my arms were getting tired.

JANET: Oh, poor baby. You'd better lie down.

JACK: Only if you'll join me.

JANET: Well, I'd like some foreplay first.

JACK: (shocked) Janet! (excited) Janet! [Sounds of makeout. Then Marvin Gaye's "Let's Get It On." Close-up of the door, then cut to a roaring fire, a sunlit field, a volcano.]

JANET: Jack, the music is a little distracting.

JACK: Let me try another station. [Static and sounds of a radio station changing.]

FURLEY: Hello, Larry.

JANET: What?

JACK: No, Janet, it's a radio advice show. This guy, Larry, had a talk show in L.A. a couple years ago but then he moved to Portland. But his show up there got cancelled, so he moved back down here.

MCLEAN STEVENSON: You're on the air with Lar.

FURLEY: Larry, I'm a slightly older gentleman who doesn't have much luck with the ladies.

JANET: That's Mr. Furley!

JACK: Oh God, you're right! [Click.]

JANET: Now I've lost the mood.

JACK: Let me see if I can help you find it again. [Janet giggles. Classical music starts. Then it speeds up.]

JANET: Whoa, Jack, slow down!

JACK: Sorry. [Music like a '70s shampoo commercial comes on, seguing into '70s porn music. Fade to commercial.]

Scene III (The Tag)

[Jack's bedroom. Janet is lying on her back, with the blanket pulled up to just below her bare shoulders. Jack is propped up on an elbow.]

JACK: So how was I?

JANET: Ten.

JACK: (smiling) Yeah?

JANET: Yeah, I forgot Roger, so there were actually nine.

JACK: Janet!

JANET: I'm teasing, Jack.

JACK: You're really rough on my ego. I mean—Wait, Roger, the guy who redecorated your room?

JANET: Yeah, the one you and Chrissy thought I'd hired to father a child.

JACK: And you slept with him?

JANET: Well, not for that reason. [Jack rolls away.] Jack Honey, I figured I'd never be with you, so I was trying to forget about you.

JACK: So all these guys were to get over me?

JANET: Yes. Well, except the ones in college.

JACK: Janet!

JANET: (snuggling up against him) Are you mad at me?

JACK: No, but I'm starting to wonder if this was a mistake.

JANET: (sadly) Oh. [She starts to roll away.]

JACK: But just to be sure. [He rolls over and starts kissing her. Fade. Cut to credits.]


	5. Phone Fun

ABC ANNOUNCER: Tonight's episode contains material that may be inappropriate for children under 18. You may want to view the program with your children, but likely you'll all be too embarrassed. Let them watch it in their room or at a friend's house. Or better yet, have them watch it in syndication, when all the good parts will be cut out so we can fit more commercials.

Scene I

[Jack's bedroom. There are clearly two people in bed, one under the covers. Jack's head is visible. He wakes up and sees that he's not alone. He stretches and smiles. Then he snuggles up against the other body and says, "Baby?" Then the other person moves and he sees it's Mr. Roper. Jack is very surprised and he screams.]

JANET: (offscreen) Jack Honey? What's wrong? Are you having a nightmare? [Dissolve to Jack and Janet in bed, Jack flailing.] Honey, it's okay, I'm here.

JACK: (shaking himself awake) God, I dreamed I was in bed with Mr. Roper!

JANET: (smiling) Disappointed?

JACK: (smiling back) What do you think? [They smooch.] I still can't believe you're really here.

JANET: Well, we had to celebrate New Year's.

JACK: Janet, it's the 5th.

JANET: (stroking his chest) Long weekend.

JACK: Mm, but it's Monday and you have to go back to work.

JANET: (nibbling his ear) Do you really want me to go to work?

JACK: Of course not. But I have a new job, and I can't afford to miss a day.

JANET: But your job doesn't start till noon.

JACK: Yours starts at 9.

JANET: (frowning) I'll call in sick.

JACK: (mock shocked) Conscientious hard-working Janet? What happened to you?

JANET: (mischievously moving her hand under the blanket) I think you know what happened to me.

JACK: You keep doing that, and it's going to happen to you again. [Janet grins.] OK, maybe a quickie, so you're not late for work.

JANET: Don't act like I have to twist your arm.

JACK: That's not my arm. [Janet giggles.] All right, Lady, you asked for it. [He covers them with the blanket. More giggles.]

Scene II

[The living room. No one's there. Then Jack's door opens and Jack and Janet, he in his robe, she in a skimpy nightie, stand there.]

JACK: Woman, you wore me out.

JANET: Then I will go to work.

JACK: Good. I'm gonna take a nap. [He stumbles back into his room. Janet shakes her head and closes his door.]

JANET: Well, at least he didn't just roll over and go to sleep. [Cindy comes out of the kitchen, dressed for work, and looks at Janet in surprise.]

CINDY: Janet! You haven't left for work yet?

JANET: (blushing) Uh, no, not yet.

CINDY: Wow, you two are like honeymooners. Well, without the marriage part.

JANET: Um, yeah.

CINDY: Gosh, I'm going to be late myself! [She grabs her open purse and dashes out the door. But on the way, something falls out of her purse.]

JANET: (going over to it) Hey, Cindy, you dropped something! [She picks it up.] Oh, her bus pass! [She runs out the door. Pause. Then an offscreen whistle. Janet returns.] Note to self, don't go outside in this nightie. [She shakes her head. I probably won't be able to catch up with her, but hopefully she has some change with her. I've got to get ready. [She moves towards her bedroom, but the phone rings.] Jack!

JACK: (sleepily, offscreen) Insatiable!

JANET: Another note to self, buy an answering machine. [She goes over to the phone and picks it up.]

WOMAN: (offscreen) Janet!

JANET: Mom! [Split screen, with a gray-haired woman on the other side.]

MRS. WOOD: Oh, good, you're not at work yet.

JANET: Uh, no, I got laid. Delayed! Delayed!

MRS. WOOD: Well, this will only take a moment. Your father is dying.

JANET: (annoyed) Mother!

MRS. W: Well, not immediately. But his ulcer has been acting up. [Cut to Cindy at the bus stop.]

CINDY: (looking through her purse) No, it's definitely not here. If I hurry, I can get it before the bus comes. [She starts to leave but bumps into the other people waiting for the bus.] Oh, sorry! [Cut back to the split-screen of Janet and her mother.]

JANET: Let me guess, Mom. It's because of me, isn't it?

MRS. W: Well, you know your father worries about you, a young girl living in the big city.

JANET: Mom, Santa Monica is not a big city.

MRS. W: It is compared to Speedway. And it's right next to L.A.

JANET: Well, Speedway is right next to Indianapolis.

MRS. W: You can't compare the two. Besides, you're living all alone

JANET: Mom, you know I have two roommates.

MRS. W: Yes, Eleanor and Chrissy.

JANET: Um, right.

MRS. W: But they're two girls.

JANET: Would you rather I lived with two men?

MRS. W: Don't be funny, Dear. You're three young girls in the big city—

JANET: Mom, you act like we're Jenny's age, or younger.

MRS. W: Your sister's very mature for her age. And besides, she's got a husband.

JANET: (to herself) Oh, here we go.

MRS. W: What?

JANET: I said I should go. I'm late for work.

MRS. W: Let me finish.

JANET: (sighing) OK, Mom.

MRS. W: It's not just marriage that made Jenny grow up. [The screen changes back to just the trio's living room. Cindy comes in the open doorway but Janet is facing away and doesn't notice. Her mother's voice is now offscreen.] Do you know what I mean?

JANET: (wearily) The baby? [Cindy looks confused.]

MRS. W: That's right.

JANET: Yes, I know having a baby changes people. But for me— [Cindy looks stunned.]

MRS. W: Even if I can't see you settled down with a baby, is a husband too much to ask?

JANET: A husband? Why do you insist I need a husband? [Cindy looks shocked.]

MRS. W: Because your father and I wouldn't need to worry about you so much.

JANET: (annoyed) Then why don't you tell Dad I'm married? [Cindy looks confused again. Then split-screen.]

MRS. W: Oh, Sweetie, you're married?

JANET: Well, I—

MRS. W: Oh, you sly thing! You did all this to tease me.

JANET: Um, right.

MRS. W: So when did it happen?

JANET: Very recently.

MRS. W: So tell me about him. What's his name? What does he do?

JANET: Um, Jack, and he's a chef. [Cut to Cindy, utterly flabbergasted. Split-screen again.]

MRS. W: A chef? Oo, very classy! What restaurant does he work at?

JANET: Mother, I'll write you a later letter. I mean a letter later. I really do have to go to work.

MRS. W: OK, bye-bye, Sweetie. [Click. Just the living room again.]

JANET: (to herself) Oh God, what have I done? [She turns and sees Cindy and shrieks.] Cindy! How long have you been standing there?

CINDY: (uncomfortable) Oh, a minute or two.

JANET: (embarrassed) Well, don't tell Jack about that.

CINDY: He doesn't know?

JANET: (confused) Well, no, it just happened.

CINDY: But, Janet—

JANET: We can talk later. I have to get ready for work. Oh, here's your bus pass.

CINDY: (taking it) Thanks. [Janet goes into the bathroom and shuts the door. Pause. Then the sound of the shower running.] Janet is pregnant! And Jack doesn't know! And Janet just lied to her mom about being married. To Jack! (as Jack enters, still in his robe) And I'm not supposed to tell Jack.

JACK: (standing next to her) Not supposed to tell Jack what? [Cindy jumps and hits Jack.] Never mind. I don't want to know. [He backs away and goes in the kitchen.]

CINDY: I wish I could talk to someone about this. I'd call Chrissy but she doesn't even know Jack and Janet are involved. I know, Larry! [She goes over to the phone and dials. Split-screen, with Larry in his apartment, dressed in his car salesman suit.]

LARRY: Yo, this is Larry.

CINDY: Oh, good, you haven't left for work yet. I need you!

LARRY: Cindy? I'll be right down!

CINDY: No, I don't have time.

LARRY: What?

CINDY: I have to leave for work, too. So this'll have to be over the phone.

LARRY: (clearing his throat) Well, I don't usually do this, but for you I'll make an exception. What are you wearing?

CINDY: What does that have to do with anything?

LARRY: Well, it helps me to imagine.

CINDY: OK, I'm dressed for the office.

LARRY: Yeah? Heels and a skirt?

CINDY: Of course. I'm a professional.

LARRY: (choking) You are?

CINDY: And Chrissy said this is what a working girl wears.

LARRY: (shocked) Chrissy told you that?

CINDY: Yes, but, Larry, I didn't call to talk about Chrissy.

LARRY: (suavely) No, you called to talk about—

CINDY: Jack and Janet.

LARRY: Jack and Janet?! [Cut to kitchen, Jack with a mixing bowl.]

JACK: I wonder if the girls would like a quick breakfast. It sounded like Janet was in the shower and I think Cindy's still out in the living room. Hm, sounds like she's on the phone. But I'll go ask. [Cut back to living room. Cindy is still on the phone, facing away from the kitchen. Jack pokes his head out.]

CINDY: Well, I think if a woman is pregnant, the man should know. [Jack looks stunned.]

LARRY: (offscreen) I can't believe it! Jack and Janet!

CINDY: I know! But I can't deal with this. I'm so late! [Jack looks shocked.]

LARRY: Cindy, let me drive you to work today.

CINDY: You don't have to do me any favors, Larry. [Jack looks even more shocked.]

LARRY: It's not a favor. We can talk along the way.

CINDY: OK, thank you. I'll meet you in the parking lot to save time.

JACK: (mouthing the words) The parking lot?!

CINDY: (nodding) I will. [She hangs up and Jack ducks back into the kitchen so he won't be seen. Janet comes out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel.]

JANET: Oh, you haven't left yet.

CINDY: No, but Larry's taking me to work. Um, do you want him to take you, too?

JANET: No, that's okay. I think I'll call in sick. I'm not feeling well.

CINDY: (putting on a brave smile) Yeah. Well, bye, Janet, I hope you feel better.

JANET: Thanks. [Cindy exits, closing the door behind her. Janet starts to go to her room, but Jack pokes his head out of the kitchen again.]

JACK: Janet, can I see you a moment?

JANET: (confused) Sure, Jack. [He ducks back into the kitchen and she goes over there. Cut to the kitchen.] What's up?

JACK: Well, I—Wow, I don't know what to say. [Cut to commercial.]

Scene III

[Jack and Janet sitting at the kitchen table.]

JACK: I wasn't expecting this to happen.

JANET: Jack, it's all right. I don't blame you. It was my fault just as much as yours. And now that I'm late, there's only one thing for me to do.

JACK: Wait, I thought Cindy—

JANET: (annoyed) Did she talk to you about this?

JACK: No, to Larry, but—

JANET: Great, now that Larry knows, everyone will.

JACK: Never mind that. Why didn't you tell me?

JANET: I was embarrassed.

JACK: Embarrassed?!

JANET: Yes, and besides, it just happened this morning.

JACK: This morning?! And you already know?

JANET: (confused) Well, I was right there when it happened.

JACK: I know, but I didn't know.

JANET: How could you? You were asleep.

JACK: Excuse me?

JANET: And Cindy wouldn't have known if she hadn't walked in at the end of it.

JACK: What?

JANET: Well, the door was open.

JACK: Was this when I was sleeping with Mr. Roper?

JANET: What?

JACK: Look, none of this matters. What matters is, I'm going to marry you.

JANET: Whoa, Jack, I want to make my parents happy, but don't you think that's going too far?

JACK: Huh? You think they'd prefer you were an unwed mother?

JANET: What?

JACK: Wait. Is it Cindy who's pregnant?

JANET: What? I'll kill Larry!

JACK: (raising his hands) Let's start at the beginning. What happened while I was asleep?

JANET: I thought Cindy told you.

JACK: No, she wouldn't tell me anything.

JANET: Then how do you know she's pregnant?

JACK: I'm not sure she is. Just tell me what happened.

JANET: Well, my mother called and nagged me about getting married, so finally I told her I was. And Cindy heard that part. But she knows I'm not married.

JACK: Was there anything about pregnancy?

JANET: No! Well, I did mention the baby.

JACK: What?

JANET: My sister's baby.

JACK: Oh, right, your nephew. Is it possible Cindy overheard that part?

JANET: Oh! She probably did. And then you overheard her talking to Larry?

JACK: Yeah. Well, I'm glad we got that cleared up.

JANET: (shaking her head) That phone. It's more trouble than it's worth. [She exits the kitchen. Cut back to the living room. Janet goes over to the phone. Jack follows.]

JACK: Janet, what are you doing?

JANET: (mischievously as she picks it up) I'm going to get rid of the phone.

JACK: Janet! I can't live without a phone.

JANET: (teasing) Come on, Jack, now that you're not playing the field, you don't need it anymore.

JACK: Janet, give me the phone!

JANET: (leaning over the side of the couch and setting the phone on the other end) Do you really want the phone?

JACK: (ogling her from behind) Well, maybe in person is better.

JANET: Yes, the phone leaves out the visual side. [She wiggles her butt.]

JACK: Lordy Lordy Lordy!

JANET: Actually, I do need the phone, to call in sick.

JACK: (smiling) You're staying home?

JANET: Well, maybe I'll go in later, after you leave for work.

JACK: Maybe I'll call in sick. I'm feeling very weak.

JANET: Then you'd better lie down.

JACK: Good idea. [He lies on top of her. She giggles.]

JANET: So what are you wearing? Under that robe?

JACK: (untying it and covering her with it) This. [He thrusts against her.]

JANET: Mm, my favorite accessory.

JACK: (pushing up her towel) Janet, you'd better call your work real soon.

JANET: (gasping) It can wait! [The phone rings.]

JACK: Do you want me to get that?

JANET: What if it's the flower shop?

JACK: I'll tell them you're unable to come to the phone. [He reaches under her, caressing her breasts on the way to the phone.] Hello?

CHRISSY: (offscreen) Jack? [Cut to a split-screen of Chrissy and Jack, he horizontal.]

JACK: (gasping with surprise and pleasure) Chrissy?

CHRISSY: Are you okay? You sound sort of breathless.

JACK: Oh, I've been jogging. Um, so why are you calling in the morning?

CHRISSY: Well, I thought it wouldn't matter with the time difference.

JACK: Chrissy, we're both in California.

CHRISSY: Right, but Janet's from Indiana.

JACK: Of course. Mm!

CHRISSY: What?

JACK: Just an amazing insight. Really incredible, fantastic—

CHRISSY: Well, I'm not stupid you know.

JACK: Right.

CHRISSY: So is Janet there or is she at work?

JACK: Um, no, she's around.

CHRISSY: Great! Hold the phone so you can both hear.

JACK: Um, OK. Hold on a sec. [He covers the phone.] Chrissy wants to talk to both of us.

JANET: (offscreen) Now?

JACK: No, wait, I think this can work. If you scoot up and I angle like this. [Janet's face is now visible on the lower half of Jack's side.] How's that? [Janet moans and has a a blissed-out expression. Jack clenches the phone.] Yeah, we'll have to remember this one.

CHRISSY: Hello? Can you both hear me? [Jack uncovers the phone.] Hello?

JANET: Hi, Chrissy.

CHRISSY: Hi, Janet. Is Jack still there?

JACK: Yeah, I'm here.

JANET: Very.

CHRISSY: I want you both to hear this.

JANET: (groaning) Oh God!

CHRISSY: What's wrong?

JACK: Oh, you know, Janet, she worries.

CHRISSY: Well, don't worry, Janet, this'll be fun.

JANET: I'm sure. [She bites her lip.]

CHRISSY: (singing) Should auld acquaintance be forgot?

JANET: (looking over her shoulder and up at Jack) What?

JACK: Uh, Chrissy, your timing is a little off.

CHRISSY: Well, I was busy on New Year's, and then I had my birthday party, so—

JACK & JANET: (mouthing to each other) Chrissy's birthday?

CHRISSY: It did feel funny not celebrating my birthday with you two this year.

JACK: Well, at least we were in the right suits. [Janet shakes her head.]

CHRISSY: What?

JACK: Chrissy, how about we sing the Happy Birthday song instead?

CHRISSY: But it's not my birthday anymore.

JACK: Well, better late than never. Happy Birthday to you—Come on, Janet, sing along. [She shakes her head but joins in. Fade-out to commercial.]

Scene IV (The Tag)

[Living room. Phone on the coffee table. Jack and Janet are snuggling on the couch, his robe wrapped around them.

JACK: Wow, Janet, I didn't know you could hit those high notes.

JANET: I'm a better singer than you think, Jack Tripper.

JACK: (nuzzling her cheek) I wasn't talking about your singing.

JANET: (blushing) Oh, you mean after we hung up.

JACK: Yeah. Good thing you told Chrissy you had to call your work.

JANET: I really should call and explain. [She bends forward for the phone.]

JACK: (ogling her) Mercy!

JANET: (covering herself with the towel) I can't believe you still act like this when we've been sleeping together for three weeks.

JACK: OK, explain to me how seeing you naked is supposed to make me lust after you less.

JANET: (blushing again) Let me call work first. [She dials.] So how about you? Are you going to call in—Hello, Mr. Compton?

RECORDING: The Arcade Flower Shop is closed Thursday through Monday for the holiday weekend. We'll reopen on Tuesday the 6th.

JANET: Oh. [She hangs up.]

JACK: What's wrong? Did he fire you?

JANET: No, I forgot we're closed till tomorrow.

JACK: (amused) You forgot?

JANET: Well, I did spend a long weekend in bed.

JACK: (smiling) A nice long weekend.

JANET: Which apparently isn't over.

JACK: For you, maybe. But I have to work today.

JANET: (disappointed) Then you're going in?

JACK: I think I should. After all, what would your mother say if she knew I couldn't hold down a job?

JANET: Oh, you! [She tries to hit him but he kisses her hand.]

JACK: So are you going to tell your parents the truth?

JANET: (sighing) Let me deal with Cindy first.

JACK: (remembering) Oh God, and Larry! [They look at each other, worried. Cut to credits.]


	6. The Driven Snow

Scene I

[The living room. Janet and Cindy on the couch.]

CINDY: …So it was all just a misunderstanding?

JANET: Yes, I'm not pregnant.

CINDY: As far as you know.

JANET: Right. Well, even if I were, I probably wouldn't know it yet, since Jack and I haven't been together even a month yet.

CINDY: What?

JANET: I may as well tell you. We only got together after you moved in.

CINDY: Because of me?

JANET: No, no, we were heading in that direction anyway.

CINDY: Wow, and all that time before then, nothing was going on?

JANET: Right.

CINDY: Gosh, now I don't feel so bad about Larry.

JANET: What?

CINDY: Well, we've been seeing each other since the day I moved in, and he hasn't tried anything.

JANET: (surprised) He hasn't?

CINDY: No. I wonder what I'm doing wrong.

JANET: You want Larry to try something?

CINDY: Well, we're dating, aren't we? And I like him.

JANET: But, Cindy, um, I mean, I thought you were a virgin.

CINDY: (laughing) Good one, Janet.

JANET: No, I really thought you were.

CINDY: Not since high school.

JANET: Oh.

CINDY: The boys in my town would just come right out and ask. But Larry hasn't said a word.

JANET: Maybe he has. Between the lines.

CINDY: You mean city men are more subtle?

JANET: Right.

CINDY: Oh, well, then I'll just have to ask him. Thanks, Janet! [She goes out the door.]

JANET: (making a face) Oh no, what have I done? [She sighs.] Oh well, at least I don't have to worry about him taking her virginity.

Scene II

[Larry's apartment, Larry and Jack sitting on the couch.]

LARRY: So that's what's going on with you and Janet.

JACK: Yeah, and she's not pregnant. Knock wood.

LARRY: Just don't knock Wood up. Get it? Janet Wood?

JACK: Cute, Larry.

LARRY: So are you in love?

JACK: (quietly) Yeah, I think I am.

LARRY: Then I have to tell you, so am I.

JACK: Who is it this time?

LARRY: Funny, Jack, funny. But this isn't like the other times. This girl is sweet and pure.

JACK: Oh God, not Cindy!

LARRY: Hey, I thought you'd be happy for me.

JACK: Then it is Cindy?

LARRY: Yeah, she's really special. I've stopped seeing other girls. I miss the sex, but, well, you can't have everything.

JACK: Then the threat of Janet killing you worked?

LARRY: It started out that way. But then I found myself doing other things.

JACK: Don't go there, Larry.

LARRY: Not like that! But talking, laughing, roller-skating.

JACK: Roller-skating with Cindy? I'm surprised you're still alive.

LARRY: That's another thing, the more time we spend together, the less clumsy she gets.

JACK: Wow, maybe she's in love.

LARRY: I hope so, Buddy. But I haven't told her how I feel yet. However. [He reaches into his pocket and takes out a small black box.]

JACK: Larry, that's not—

LARRY: (nodding) I just got it today and now I'm waiting for the right moment to give it to her.

JACK: Uh, don't you think you're rushing into things?

LARRY: Rushing? It's been almost a month. I was ready with Twinkie after a week.

JACK: Yeah, and look how that turned out.

LARRY: Whatsamatter? You think Cindy's not good enough for me?

JACK: Of course not. But— [Doorbell.]

LARRY: (going to the door) Or is it that I'm not good enough for her?

JACK: Larry, I'm just saying— [Larry opens the door to Cindy.]

CINDY: Hi, Larry. Oh, hi, Jack. I didn't know you were up here.

LARRY: He's just leaving.

JACK: (reluctantly getting up) I'll talk to you later, Larry. Cindy, I'll go start dinner.

CINDY: Thanks, Jack, but I was hoping to spend the evening with Larry.

JACK: Oh, sure, of course. [He edges around Cindy and out the door, and they manage not to collide.] You're right, Larry.

CINDY: What?

JACK: Nothing. Bye. [He exits and Larry closes the door.]

LARRY: I'm glad you dropped by. Sit down, I want to talk to you about something. [She goes over to the couch and sits. He follows but still stands.]

CINDY: I guess Jack told you that Janet's not pregnant.

LARRY: Yeah, but let's not talk about them. Let's talk about us.

CINDY: Us? (delighted) Oh, Larry! Yes, I will!

LARRY: But I haven't asked you yet.

CINDY: Well, no, not in the direct way the farmhands did. Or the football team.

LARRY: You've had that many guys ask you before?

CINDY: Well, yeah. I hope you don't think less of me for that.

LARRY: No, I'm just surprised you moved away with all that going on. [Cindy looks puzzled.]

Scene III

[Back in the trio's living room. Janet is reading a magazine. Jack comes in.]

JANET: (smiling) Hi, Babe. Good day at work?

JACK: Work? [He closes the door.] Oh yeah, I was at work for a few hours. Then I stopped by Larry's.

JANET: You were at Larry's just now?

JACK: Yeah.

JANET: Um, did Cindy come by?

JACK: As a matter of fact, she did.

JANET: Oh God!

JACK: You don't know the half of it.

JANET: I know plenty. She's going to throw herself at Larry!

JACK: What? Why?

JANET: Because he hasn't made his move yet.

JACK: Maybe he's been saving up for a really big move.

JANET: (shaking her head) That Larry, always scheming. He probably did this deliberately then, to get her to seduce him.

JACK: But, Janet, why would sweet, innocent Cindy try to seduce anyone?

JANET: Um, well.

Scene IV

[Back in Larry's apartment, Larry now sitting on the couch next to Cindy.]

LARRY: So I hope you don't think I'm rushing into this.

CINDY: Not at all. I've been waiting all along.

LARRY: You have?

CINDY: Most guys don't usually take this long.

LARRY: Most guys? You must have quite a collection.

CINDY: Well, I don't think of it that way.

LARRY: Hey, I'm not judging. But for me, this isn't a most-girls kind of thing.

CINDY: Aw, Larry, I understand. I think that's sweet actually. [She hugs and kisses him.]

LARRY: Are we talking about the same—? Never mind. [He tosses the little box on the endtable and starts kissing her. Cut to commercial.]

Scene V

[The trio's living room, Jack sitting next to Janet on the couch.]

JACK: So Larry is going to propose to her because he thinks she's sweet and pure, and meanwhile she's going to try to seduce him?

JANET: (nodding) I think so.

JACK: Wow, I have absolutely no idea what to do.

JANET: I know.

JACK: If she were a virgin and he was trying to seduce her, then I'd have to go stop him. Or if he were a virgin—except at his age she'd be doing him a favor.

JANET: (scolding) Jack.

JACK: Of course, maybe I should go stop them, because he won't want to marry her when he finds out she's not so pure. But then they haven't been dating long enough that he should be proposing.

JANET: They've been dating about as long as we have, and you proposed to me this morning.

JACK: Only because I thought you were pregnant.

JANET: (crossing her arms) Would you care to rephrase that?

JACK: (hugging her) No, you know what I mean. And maybe someday—

JANET: After we've known each other longer?

JACK: Well, yeah, actually.

JANET: Three-and-a-half years isn't long enough?

JACK: In a way, yeah. I mean, I'm only starting to know you as my lover.

JANET: Is this a test run for you?

JACK: Janet, I don't just mean the sex. But I feel like I'm finding out all kinds of things about you now. And it's great. But I'm happy to just stay at this stage for awhile.

JANET: (kissing him) Me, too. Besides, we'd have to ask Cindy to move out if we got married.

JACK: Well, she may be moving out anyway, if he proposes before she propositions.

JANET: (amused) Yeah, I wonder who will move first.

JACK: Speaking of moves….

Scene VI

[Larry's living room. Because the budget is too low for another set, Larry's couch turns out to be a hide-a-bed. He and Cindy are in it, apparently naked under the covers, heads and shoulders poking out.]

LARRY: (marveling) Cindy, the way you move—

CINDY: I'm sorry about hitting you with my elbow.

LARRY: I hardly noticed. Cindy, you're one of the most incredible women I've ever been with.

CINDY: (frowning) Um, thanks.

LARRY: I'm sorry, forget my past. It's not important. [He reaches for the little box on the endtable.] I was going to give you this earlier, but you distracted me.

CINDY: (taking it) Oh, Larry, this isn't—

LARRY: Just open it.

Scene VII

[Back in the trio's apartment, the empty living room. Then Jack's door opens. Jack is in his pajama bottoms, Janet in the tops.]

JACK: Are you sure you won't stay the night?

JANET: Jack, I spent the last five nights in your room. And I really need to go in to work tomorrow.

JACK: (disappointed) OK. Well, let me at least walk you to your door.

JANET: (giggling) OK. [They move a couple steps over to her bedroom.]

JACK: And let me kiss you goodnight.

JANET: This is how it started five nights ago. [But she kisses him. It turns into a long, lingering kiss. Then Cindy comes in the front door, looking dazed.]

CINDY: Oh, hi. You two are still up, are you? [They break apart.]

JACK: So what happened at Larry's?

JANET: Did he give it to you?

JACK: Janet!

JANET: I meant the box. The little black box.

CINDY: (taking it out of her pocket) Oh, this?

JANET: Jack, she took it!

CINDY: Do you think it's too soon?

JANET: Well, I don't know, maybe. But can I see it?

CINDY: It's not that interesting a box.

JANET: (impatiently) Not the box! What's inside it!

CINDY: If you want. It's just an ordinary brass one.

JANET: That cheapskate!

CINDY: Was he supposed to get a gold one?

JANET: Not necessarily, but there should at least be a jewel.

CINDY: What kind of locksmiths do you have in L.A.?

JACK: Locksmiths?

CINDY: Yeah. [She opens the box. Close-up of her hand taking out a key.] And it was a rush job anyway, on his lunch hour.

JACK: There was a key in there?

CINDY: Yeah, to his apartment.

JANET: He wants you to move in with him?

JACK: (to Janet) There goes one-third of the rent. [Janet hits him.]

CINDY: No, no, but I can drop by any time.

JANET: Oh, how nice.

CINDY: So should I give him a key to this apartment?

JANET: No, we see enough of him as it is.

JACK: Janet, that's no way to talk about Cindy's fian—boyfriend.

JANET: I was only kidding, Cindy. So you two are really a couple now.

CINDY: I guess so.

JACK: You don't sound too happy about it.

CINDY: Well, I just wish he was better in bed. But then he doesn't have much experience.

JACK & JANET: What?

CINDY: Don't tell anyone, OK?

JACK: (miming zipping his mouth) My lips are sealed.

JANET: Don't worry about Larry, Cindy. He'll improve. (mischievously) Jack did.

JACK: What's that supposed to mean?

CINDY: Oo, Janet, can you give me tips to try with Larry?

JANET: Sure. Come on in and we'll talk. [She goes into their bedroom.]

CINDY: Great! [Cindy goes to the bedroom and slams the door on Jack.]

JACK: This isn't funny, you two! Janet! Cindy! [Sounds of the girls giggling offscreen. Jack shakes his head.] No matter what I do, I'm still outnumbered. [Fade, cut to commercial.]

Scene VIII (The Tag)

[Trio's living room. Jack passing through. The phone rings. He picks it up.]

JACK: Hey, how's it going up there?

LARRY: (offscreen) That's why I'm calling.

JACK: Oh, hi, Larry. I thought it was Chrissy. [Cut to split-screen.]

LARRY: No, this isn't Cindy's cousin. It's Cindy's virginal boyfriend.

JACK: Oh yeah, Lar, about that—

LARRY: Do you realize what Janet's got Cindy doing to me?

JACK: Don't be mad, Larry.

LARRY: Mad? I love it! Every time we're together, Cindy seduces me and coaxes me along. It's great!

JACK: (amused) I'm happy for you. And to think this all started because I thought you were going to propose to Cindy.

LARRY: Well, I was on my knees that night, but—

JACK: Thanks, Larry. [Janet comes in the front door.] I gotta go. [He hangs up.]

JANET: Was that Chrissy?

JACK: No, it was Larry, grateful for whatever you told Cindy.

JANET: (smiling) I think it's worked out for Cindy, too.

JACK: So are you going to tell me what you told her?

JANET: No. [He pouts.] But I can show you.

JACK: Hurt me! [Cut to credits.]


	7. Seven's Company: A One-Hour Special

Scene I

[Just outside the trio's apartment. Jack is carrying groceries. He fumbles for his keys. Then the door opens, and Cindy knocks him over. She stands there chagrined, and holding an overnight bag.]

JACK: (looking up at her from the ground) Going someplace?

CINDY: (helping him up and hitting him with the suitcase) Yeah, I'm—Sorry, Jack.

JACK: Step one, set that down. Step two, pick me up. Step three, help me pick up the groceries. [She starts to follow the steps.]

CINDY: I really am sorry, Jack. Is anything broken?

JACK: No more than usual.

CINDY: I meant of the groceries.

JACK: Oh. Well, I think I'm going to have to stop buying eggs. Or have them delivered.

CINDY: Or we could get a hen and she could lay them right here.

JACK: Yeah, I'll look into that. So where are you off to in such a hurry?

CINDY: Larry's. He asked me to spend the weekend with him.

JACK: Wow, things are getting pretty serious with you two.

CINDY: Well, we've only been going out a couple months.

JACK: That's how long Janet and I have been together.

CINDY: Yeah, but you didn't start going out the first day you met.

JACK: No, not exactly. Well, have fun with Larry.

CINDY: Thanks. Have fun with Janet.

JACK: (grinning as he realizes they'll have the whole weekend alone) I'll try.

Scene II

[The trio's kitchen. Jack's cooking. Janet enters, dressed for work. She comes up behind him and hugs him.]

JACK: (mock shocked) Cindy! What if Janet comes in? [Janet tickles him.] Careful, I'll burn my omelet.

JANET: (letting go) You're making eggs for dinner?

JACK: I had to. I ran into Cindy on my way home.

JANET: Literally of course.

JACK: Yeah. And she suggested getting a hen so they could get laid at home.

JANET: Good thing Furley didn't hear that.

JACK: What?

JANET: "Laid at home." [He laughs.]

JACK: Right. Speaking of which. [He turns off the stove and turns to hugs her.] Cindy's going to be at Larry's all weekend.

JANET: I can't believe it's lasted this long.

JACK: Never mind that. The point is, we've got the apartment to ourselves.

JANET: Jack, it's not like we haven't been alone. And even when she's here, we've still gotten together.

JACK: Yeah, but we have to be so quiet when she is. So she can sleep.

JANET: (yawning) At least someone's getting some sleep. Maybe I'll use the weekend to catch up on mine.

JACK: (disappointed) Oh. So if you say you're going to bed, you mean by yourself?

JANET: No, it's not like we'll be doing something every moment of the weekend. I can sleep in between.

JACK: (relieved) Oh, good. (mock suavely) Of course, I plan to fill a lot of your waking moments.

JANET: (teasing) Very ambitious, Jack. What are you going to do? Make love to me in every room of the apartment?

JACK: (smiling) Hm, nice idea. How about starting with the kitchen?

JANET: Well, this is where you do your cooking.

JACK: (dropping to his knees) And eating. [Janet giggles. The shot cuts to the other side of the kitchen door.] Mm, I love how short your skirts are since you gave up the earth-mother style. But I wish you wouldn't wear pantyhose.

JANET: I thought you like how they make my legs look. [Snippet of "Nothing beats a great pair of L'Eggs."]

JACK: I do, but it would be a lot easier if your nylons and panties weren't connected.

JANET: Or if I came in here with no panties at all?

JACK: Hurt me! [The sounds of him going down on her, including her moans. The phone rings.]

JANET: I really, really wish we had an answering machine. [Jack says something muffled.] What?

JACK: They'll call back if it's important.

JANET: But what if it's— [She gasps.] You're so right!

Scene III

[Larry's apartment. Larry and Cindy are making out on the couch. Then there's a loud knock.]

FURLEY: (offscreen) Open up, it's R.F.!

LARRY: Damn!

CINDY: What's wrong?

LARRY: Well, did Jack and Janet explain to you how he has to pretend to be gay because Mr. Furley, or at least Furley's brother, doesn't want any hanky-panky in this building?

CINDY: Yeah, and I can't believe that Jack's gotten away with it this long.

LARRY: Well, it was easier before he got with Janet. But anyway it's the same thing for the whole building. That is, I'm not supposed to date anyone who lives in another apartment.

CINDY: And you never have before me?

LARRY: What are you, crazy? Everyone breaks that rule and Furley knows it. But as long as people are discreet about it, he looks the other way.

CINDY: That seems so hypocritical. What it—?

FURLEY: Open up, Larry, I can tell you're talking to someone.

LARRY: (sighing) We can discuss this later. For now, can you go hide in the other room?

CINDY: Larry, you live in a studio.

LARRY: I mean the bathroom.

CINDY: Oh, OK. [She gets up and exits Stage Left. Larry opens the front door Stage Right.]

LARRY: Mr. Furley, what a pleasant surprise.

FURLEY: Never mind the amenities. I'm here to turn it on.

LARRY: What?

FURLEY: Didn't you call yesterday saying the heat wasn't working in your apartment?

LARRY: Oh yeah, I did. But I've been doing my best to keep warm.

FURLEY: What?

LARRY: You know, wearing socks to bed, things like that.

FURLEY: Oh. Well, let me take care of it now.

LARRY: Can't it wait till tomorrow?

FURLEY: No, I've got plans tomorrow. There's a swinging singles weekend in Palm Springs.

LARRY: (amused) Palm Springs?

FURLEY: Yeah, it's for singles over fif—Anyway, I want to take care of this and then go pack.

LARRY: OK, fine. And thanks.

FURLEY: No problem. [He almost trips over Cindy's overnight bag. He picks it up.] Speaking of suitcases, what's this?

LARRY: Uh, it's mine.

FURLEY: You have a pink suitcase?

LARRY: Only kidding. It's, um, my sister's.

FURLEY: Your sister's?

LARRY: Yeah, Diane. She's staying for the weekend.

FURLEY: But you have a studio apartment.

LARRY: No, she's not staying here. She's staying downstairs, in Jack's room.

FURLEY: (eyes bugging) What?

LARRY: And he's sleeping on the couch.

FURLEY: Oh, of course. But what's her suitcase doing up here?

LARRY: Well, she's up here.

FURLEY: (looking around) Where?

LARRY: Uh, she's in the bathroom. Changing from her trip before going downstairs.

FURLEY: Oh, well, call her out. I'd love to meet her.

LARRY: Uh, sure. [He goes over to the bathroom door.] Diane? Sis?

CINDY: (disguising her voice) Yes, Brother?

LARRY: Um, my landlord's here and would like to meet you.

CINDY: Oh, how nice. But I'm in the middle of, um, fixing my face.

FURLEY: I can wait.

LARRY: (to Furley) Well, that might take awhile. You know women.

FURLEY: OK, well, I'll start working on the heater and then by the time I'm done, maybe she'll be done, too.

LARRY: (smiling weakly) Great.

Scene IV

[Back in the trio's living room. Jack and Janet are still offscreen.]

JANET: I never thought this table would support both of us.

JACK: It's all just a matter of distribution. See, if I shift like this— [The table creaks. She giggles.] But if I get a steady rhythm going— [The table creaks rhythmically. Jack and Janet moan along with the rhythm. Then the doorbell rings.] Damn!

JANET: If it's important, they'll come back.

JACK: What if it's Cindy and she forgot her key?

JANET: She can come back tomorrow. Oh, G-spot!

JACK: Now you know why I got out the tablecloth. [She giggles again. Now there's knocking at the door.] Whoever they are, they're persistent.

JANET: What if it's Furley?

JACK: Then I'm definitely not answering it.

MRS. WOOD: (also offscreen) Janet, are you home? It's Mother.

JANET: Oh God, I'm dead! [Fade. Cut to commercial.]

Scene V

[The trio's living room, still empty.]

JANET: (offscreen) I am so dead!

JACK: (also offscreen) Maybe if we ignore her—

JANET: Jack, I can't ignore my own mother. Besides, she came all the way from Indiana for some reason.

JACK: OK, here's what we do. You take this towel and, um, tidy up a bit. Meanwhile I'll think about baseball or something to get rid of this—

JANET: (amused despite herself) Good luck.

JACK: Thanks. Now before we go out there, does she know I'm your boyfriend?

JANET: Well, sort of.

JACK: Sort of?

JANET: Well, she thinks you're my fiancé.

JACK: What?

JANET: You remember how I lied to her and said we were married, so my father's ulcer wouldn't be so bad?

JACK: Yeah?

JANET: Well, after that, I couldn't just leave them with nothing. So I wrote and told them we were actually engaged but hadn't set a date.

JACK: Great, Janet, so now—

MRS. W: Janet, are you there?

JANET: (calling to her) Just a second, Mom. (not as loudly) Please, Jack.

JACK: OK, but you owe me.

JANET: I'll make it up to you later.

JACK: Mercy!

Scene VI

[Back at Larry's. Mr. Furley's still there.]

FURLEY: There you go, Larry. The heater's all fixed.

LARRY: Great, thanks, Mr. Furley. Have a good weekend.

FURLEY: Wait a minute, I haven't met your sister yet.

LARRY: My sister. Yeah, right. (calling to Cindy) Diane Honey? Are you presentable now? Mr. Furley's about to go.

CINDY: (still with a disguised voice) Just a second.

LARRY: (to Furley) You'll see she's a very pretty girl. But then good looks run in my family.

FURLEY: Yeah? Who else has 'em? [He laughs.]

LARRY: (grimacing) Cute, thanks. [Larry's bathroom door opens and Cindy emerges, her hair wrapped in a towel, her face covered with shaving cream.]

CINDY: Sorry, but I'm not quite down with my beauty treatment.

FURLEY: Then I guess I won't kiss you hello. [He laughs. She smiles weakly.]

CINDY: Some other time.

FURLEY: (to Larry) Sorry, my charm is unstoppable. (to Cindy) So you're staying with the kids downstairs?

CINDY: That's right.

FURLEY: Have you met them yet?

CINDY: No, Larry was going to take me down later. But they sound nice.

FURLEY: They are. But watch out for Cindy.

CINDY: (in her own voice) What? [Larry looks at her. She resumes her disguised voice.] Um, what do you mean?

FURLEY: Well, between you and me and the lamppost, she's bit clumsy.

LARRY: Oh, I wouldn't say that.

FURLEY: You're right. She's the klutziest girl I've ever seen. [He laughs. Cindy looks mad. Larry shoots her a warning look.]

CINDY: (trying to be calm) Thanks for the warning. I'll keep my distance from Candy.

FURLEY: Cindy.

CINDY: Yes?

FURLEY: Her name is Cindy.

CINDY: Oh, right.

FURLEY: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got a busy weekend ahead of me.

LARRY: Me, too. [Furley looks at him.] Uh, showing Diane around town.

FURLEY: Oh, right. Well, have fun.

LARRY: Thanks, you, too. [Furley exits.] Thanks, Cindy, I owe you.

CINDY: Then start paying. [She kisses him.]

LARRY: Mm, nice. But it might be better without the shaving cream.

CINDY: Oh, right, sorry. [She goes back in the bathroom.]

LARRY: Let's see how Furley did with the heater. [He goes over to the thermostat, then speaks to Cindy.] There, now things will start heating up.

CINDY: (offscreen) Oh, Larry!

LARRY: Not like that. (grinning) Well, that, too.

Scene VII

[The trio's living room again. It's empty until Janet comes in from the kitchen in her outfit from before, minus shoes and stockings.]

MRS. W: Janet?

JANET: Almost there. [She opens the door to not only her mom but her dad.] Daddy! You're here, too!

MR. W: Of course. You didn't think I was going to let your mother come all this way to meet your fiancé without tagging along myself, did you?

JANET: (smiling weakly) It's great to see you both. [She hugs them.] But why didn't you call first?

MR. W: We tried from the airport, but no one answered.

MRS. W: Then I suggested we make it a complete surprise and just show up.

JANET: Great idea, Mom.

MRS. W: Thank you.

JANET: Oh, and I see you brought all your luggage.

MRS. W: Yes, I hope it's not an imposition, but we were hoping to stay here.

JANET: Here?

MR. W: I told you, Ruth, it'll be too crowded with us, her, Chrissy, and Eleanor.

MRS. W: But Janet could sleep on the couch and we could take Eleanor's bed. Or Eleanor could sleep on the couch and—

JANET: Actually, Mom, Eleanor moved out. So no one has to sleep on the couch.

MRS. W: Eleanor moved out? Why didn't you tell us?

JANET: Oh, Mom, I've just been so busy lately.

MR. W: Well, we've got all weekend to catch up. Which room is Eleanor's?

JANET: Um, that one. [She points at Jack's room.]

MR. W: Great! We'll unpack and settle in. [They go into Jack's room. Cut back to the kitchen. Jack is sitting down at the table, which has a tablecloth on it. Janet comes in.]

JANET: Jack, I'm so sorry.

JACK: Where am I supposed to sleep tonight? On the couch?

JANET: No, they can't know you live here. But you can sneak into my room after they're asleep.

JACK: Great, Janet, I was almost rid of my "friend." Now all I can think about is sharing your single bed.

JANET: Well, we won't be able to do much with my parents in your room.

JACK: We can if we do it quietly. [She giggles.] Come here.

JANET: Jack!

JACK: It's the quickest way to get rid of this. [He looks down and then back up at her.] And we can practice being quiet.

JANET: What if my parents come in?

JACK: They're unpacking. We've got a few minutes.

JANET: Oh, all right. [She sits on his lap.]

JACK: Mm, I love your short skirts! [She bites her lip to keep from moaning. She starts bouncing on his lap. Jack whispers.] Oh, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy!

MRS. W: Janet? Sweetie, where are you?

JANET: (whispering) Damn! (more loudly) In the kitchen. Now what do we do?

JACK: Just stay there. [Mrs. Wood comes in, looking surprised.]

MRS. W: And who's this?

JANET: Um, this is Jack Tripper.

MRS. W: Oh, your fiancé.

JANET: (weakly) Right.

JACK: (holding out his hand to shake) Hi, pleased to meet you. Is it all right if I don't get up?

MRS W: (shaking his hand) Of course. [She laughs.] You two look so adorable snuggled up like that.

JANET: Thanks, Mom.

MRS. W: So, Jack, Janet tells us you're a chef. I bet you've been cooking up something wonderful.

JACK: (modestly) Well, I have some talent, yeah.

MRS. W: Janet's a very lucky girl to get it for free.

JACK: I keep telling her that. [Janet hits him.] Ow!

MRS. W: Well, I don't want to disturb you two lovebirds. I just wanted to talk to Janet, but it can wait.

JANET: OK, Mom. We'll be out in a bit.

MRS. W: Take your time. I know some things can't be rushed. But I'm looking forward to trying it.

J & J: (shocked) What?

MRS. W: The exotic dish Jack's making.

JANET: Oh, right. [Her mom exits.] Wow, that was close. [She starts to get up.]

JACK: (grabbing for her) Hey, I'm not done making my exotic dish.

JANET: (shaking her head but sitting back down) I'm not exotic.

JACK: Yeah, more of a Midwestern hot dish. [She giggles. He shushes her. Cut to commercial.]

Scene VIII

[The living room. Mrs. Wood goes over to Jack's room as her husband comes out.]

MR. W: What did Janet say?

MRS. W: I didn't have a chance to talk to her about it. Her fiancé's here and he's making dinner.

MR. W: The French chef? I hope it's nothing too out there. I like it plain and simple.

MRS. W: Tell me about it. [Doorbell.] I'll get that. Janet's helping Jack.

MR. W: (as she goes to the door) Our Janet is cooking?

MRS. W: I know, isn't it wonderful? I think Jack is a good influence on her. [She opens the door to Mr. Furley.] Hello.

MR. F: Who are you?

MRS. W: I'm Janet's mother. Who are you?

MR. F: Her landlord. Or I was. [He starts sobbing. Mrs. Wood looks over at her husband, who shrugs.]

MRS. W: (to Mr. Furley as she leads him in and over to the couch) You poor man! What's wrong?

MR. F: He fired me! My own brother fired me!

MR. W: (coming over and sitting in the chair) Why'd he fire you?

MR. F: Well, I went up to fix a tenant's heat and I made a little mistake.

MR. W: The heater didn't come on?

MR. F: It came on. But in the wrong apartment. And it won't turn off!

MRS. W: Well, maybe if you explain to your brother.

MR. F: You don't know Bart. And the worst part is, my apartment goes with the manager's job. So now I have no place to live.

MRS. W: Well, maybe you could stay here.

MR. W: Ruth!

MRS. W: Roland, I doubt Janet would mind. And with Eleanor gone, it'll just be you, me, Janet, and Chrissy.

MR. F: What?

MRS. W: (to Mr. Furley) So you can sleep on the couch.

MR. F: What about Cindy? And Diane?

MR. W: Just how many girls live here?

MR. F: It depends on what you count as a girl.

MR. W: You mean Eleanor? She must've been a real tomboy.

MR. F: I don't know, I've never met her. [The Woods look confused. Cut to the kitchen. Janet is listening at the door. Jack is zipping up his tan slacks.]

JANET: Jack, we'd better get out there before this gets worse.

JACK: You go, and send Furley in here so I can explain to him about the two of us pretending to be married.

JANET: Jack, you're not going to tell him everything, are you?

JACK: Are you crazy? What if he gets his job back and kicks us out?

JANET: Well, then—

JACK: As far as he's concerned, I'm just your gay friend doing you a favor.

JANET: And what about him sleeping on our couch?

JACK: He can stay one night. And then I'll go talk to his brother tomorrow.

Scene IX

[The trio's living room. The lights are out, but we can see Furley sleeping on the couch, in jungle print pajamas. Jack quietly opens the front door and tiptoes in. Then Janet opens her bedroom door and beckons him in. Cut to just outside the apartment. Larry and Cindy are out there, both with overnight bags.]

LARRY: Are you sure Jack and Janet won't mind?

CINDY: Why should they? It seems only fair that I have someone over. And you know we can't stay at your place.

LARRY: That damn Furley. He said he fixed the heater.

CINDY: And now your apartment is freezing.

LARRY: I still think we could've generated enough body heat to survive.

CINDY: For awhile, yes, but then it would've been freezing again. Anyway we can talk to Mr. Furley tomorrow. [She unlocks the door and they go in. Cut back to the living room. Furley is snoring soundly.]

LARRY: What's that?

CINDY: I don't know. [They go around to the couch. Cindy whispers.] Mr. Furley? What's he doing here? I thought he was going to that singles thing.

LARRY: Maybe he hoped to see more of Diane. [Cindy giggles. Larry shushes her.]

CINDY: So do you want to wake him up and talk to him?

LARRY: Not tonight.

CINDY: Well, let's hurry to my room before he sees you.

Scene X

[The girls' bedroom. Jack and Janet are making out.]

JANET: (whispering) Jack, I thought I heard voices in the living room.

JACK: (also whispering) Probably your parents. Or Furley.

JANET: Well, if someone's awake, maybe we shouldn't.

JACK: Trust me, Janet, I can do this very quietly. Almost silently.

JANET: I can't.

JACK: I just won't make you come.

JANET: You!

JACK: Here, this'll muffle us. [He pulls the covers over them. Cindy and Larry creep in.]

CINDY: (as she shuts the door) My bed is the one—

LARRY: The one that's empty?

CINDY: (turning) What? Who's in Janet's bed?

LARRY: Maybe it's Diane.

JACK: (from under the blankets) Who's this Diane?

LARRY: Jocko?

JACK: (emerging from the covers) Hi, Lar. What are you doing here?

LARRY: Cindy invited me. What are you doing here?

JACK: I live here.

LARRY: In Janet's bed?

JANET: (emerging) I invited him.

CINDY: But why aren't you two in Jack's room?

JANET: My parents are in Jack's room.

CINDY: Your parents are here?

JACK: And Furley.

LARRY: Yeah, we saw. What's that about?

JACK: His brother fired him. A tenant called to complain about the excessive heat in her apartment.

LARRY: (to Cindy) So that's where it went.

CINDY: That's why we're here. Larry's place is too cold.

JANET: Well, you can't stay here.

CINDY: Janet, I play rent.

JANET: Yeah, but only one-third.

CINDY: So? You've got your parents taking up one room.

LARRY: Good thing Diane isn't in town.

JACK: Who's Diane?

LARRY: My sister.

JACK: What?

JANET: Look, you two are just going to have go to a hotel.

CINDY: Why should we leave?

JANET: Well, I have to stay because of my parents.

CINDY: And I suppose Jack has to stay because he's your "husband."

LARRY: What?

JANET: No, I told them we're just engaged.

LARRY: What?

CINDY: So do they know you've got your "fiancé" in here?

JANET: Well, no.

CINDY: Then Jack should leave.

JACK: Wait, I live here!

CINDY: Not in this room. And if you don't let Larry stay, I'll go tell Janet's parents and Furley.

JANET: (shocked) Cindy! You wouldn't!

CINDY: Try me.

JANET: Well, then I'll go tell about Larry being here.

CINDY: Why would your parents care? They haven't even met me.

JANET: No, I'll tell Mr. Furley.

CINDY: He's not even our landlord right now.

JACK: (holding up his hands) Look, I'll go sleep in Larry's freezing apartment.

JANET: You're gonna leave me in here with these two?

LARRY: Hey, the more the merrier. [Cindy hits him.] I'm kidding, Baby.

JANET: (annoyed) OK, fine, I guess this is all my fault, for not being honest with my parents.

JACK: Do you want to come upstairs to Larry's with me?

JANET: No, my parents might look for me before I got back. I'll sleep in the tub.

CINDY & LARRY: The tub?!

JACK: (smiling) It's actually pretty comfortable, from what I recall.

JANET: (laughing) Yeah, that's how we met. You were asleep the morning after Eleanor's going-away party.

JACK: (kissing her) Good thing she moved out.

CINDY: Yeah, then it'd be really crowded tonight. [They all look at her in confusion. Fade to commercial.]

Scene XI

[The next morning. Furley is still snoring on the couch. Mrs. Wood opens Jack's door and knocks on Janet's.]

MRS. W: Janet Honey, are you awake?

CINDY: (offstage) Um, I think Janet's in the bathroom.

MRS. W: Oh, is that Chrissy?

CINDY: Um, yes. I got in late last night.

MRS. W: Oh, I've been dying to meet you. [Cut to Larry and Cindy in her bed, he shirtless, she scrambling into her nightie.]

CINDY: (whispering to Larry) Hide!

LARRY: (looking around, whispering) Where?

CINDY: In Janet's bed. Quick! (as Larry dashes out of her bed, in gold chains and black briefs, and over to Janet's bed) I'll be out in a minute. I'm just waking up.

MRS. W: (as Larry yanks Janet's covers over himself) Oh, don't trouble yourself, let me come in. [She opens the door and steps in.] My, what a lovely room.

CINDY: Thank you. Janet had a decorator last year. [Larry snickers. Cindy coughs to cover it up.]

MRS. W: Well, he did an excellent job. I wish Eleanor had had him.

CINDY: What?

MRS. W: Well, I know she was your friend, but she seems to have been very tomboyish. All that blue and the clothes she left behind.

CINDY: Oh, well, I didn't know her.

MRS. W: What?

CINDY: I mean not that well. Janet and I were always closer, sharing a room and all.

MRS. W: Of course. Oh!

CINDY: What?

MRS. W: It looks like Janet's still in bed. Sorry, Janet, I didn't mean to disturb you.

LARRY: (in falsetto) It's all right, Mother.

MRS. W: Janet, are you feeling all right? Your voice sounds funny.

LARRY: Sore throat.

MRS. W: Oh, that's my fault for all that talking last night. I'll go in the bathroom and see if there's some cough syrup.

LARRY: No!

CINDY: What she means is, we keep the cough syrup in the kitchen.

MRS. W: Oh, how strange. But I'm not one of those meddling mothers.

CINDY: Do you want me to help you find it?

MRS. W: No, don't trouble yourself, Chrissy. Janet, I'll be back in a jiffy. [Cut to the living room. Furley is still snoring. Mrs. Wood leaves the girls' room and goes over and into the kitchen.]

CINDY: (whispering offstage) Quick!

LARRY: Let me at least get my pants on. [He enters, still shirtless.] Thank you for a lovely evening, Cindy. Or Chrissy. Or whoever you are. [He quietly exits through the front door. A pause and then Mr. Wood exits Jack's room. He walks over to the bathroom and tries to open the door.]

MR. W: Oh, it's locked. Is someone in there?

JANET: (offstage, sleepily) Dad, is that you?

MR. W: Yes, Pumpkin. You don't have a second bathroom, do you?

JANET: No, but give me a moment and I'll be right out.

MRS. W: (entering from the kitchen) Roland, who are you talking to?

MR. W: Janet, she's in the bathroom.

MRS. W: Oh, I thought she was in her room. Janet Dear, I can't find your cough syrup.

JANET: Oh. [She opens the door and emerges holding a bottle.] Here you go.

MRS. W: I thought you kept it in the kitchen.

JANET: (as her dad rushes into the bathroom and shuts the door) Why would we keep it in there?

MRS. W: That's what Chrissy said.

JANET: (smiling) Well, Chrissy says some strange things sometimes.

MRS. W: I guess so. But she seems like a nice girl.

JANET: She is.

MRS. W: Anyway your voice sounds fine now.

JANET: (confused) Thank you.

MR. F: (sleepily) I know I'm just a guest here, but can you folks be a little quieter in the morning?

MRS. W: Oh, you poor man. Why don't you go take a nap in our room? I mean Eleanor's room.

MR. F: (getting up and stumbling to Jack's room) Thanks. [He goes in and closes the door.]

MRS. W: Well, now that everyone's awake—

JANET: Except Mr. Furley.

MRS. W: I meant family. You, me, your father, and your friend.

JANET: (nervously) My friend?

MRS. W: Yes, Chrissy.

JANET: Oh, right, Chrissy.

MRS. W: I'm going to make us all a nice big breakfast.

JANET: Thanks, Mom. Let me just get dressed. [Cut to the girls' room as Janet comes in.] Is Larry gone? [Cindy nods. Janet collapses in relief.]

Scene XII

[Larry's apartment. Jack, fully dressed, is huddled under the blankets on Larry's hide-a-bed. Knock.]

JACK: I hope that's Janet. I'm freezing! [He opens the door to Larry.] Oh, it's you.

LARRY: Thanks for the warm welcome.

JACK: I bet it's a lot warmer in my apartment.

LARRY: Sorry about that, Buddy. But why don't you go talk to Furley's brother so Cindy and I can have this place back?

JACK: (sighing) I might as well. See you later. [He heads out, as Larry quickly throws on his clothes. Fade. The same scene, with Larry all bundled up and shivering on his couch. Knock.]

LARRY: Come on in.

JACK: (letting himself in) Thanks.

LARRY: So how'd it go?

JACK: (holding up a key) I'm not sure.

LARRY: What is that?

JACK: The key to Furley's apartment.

LARRY: What?

JACK: When I went in to talk to Furley's brother, he thought I was there for the manager's job and, well.

LARRY: He gave it to you?

JACK: Yeah, but I've got a plan.

LARRY: I can't wait to hear this.

JACK: I'll give the key to Furley and let him still manage the building.

LARRY: I got it. So he has some place to stay, but he does all the work, and you get all the money.

JACK: No, I'll turn the money over to him.

LARRY: That's not a plan.

JACK: It's not?

LARRY: No, with a plan, you get either sex or money out of it.

JACK: (looking at the key) Of course I could wait till Monday to tell Furley.

LARRY: Aren't you forgetting Janet's parents are in town?

JACK: (disappointed) Oh, right.

LARRY: Here's a plan. Give me the key and I'll use Furley's apartment till he fixes the heat. Then I'll invite Cindy down and you can share Janet's room till her parents leave.

JACK: What about Furley? He's still on the sofa.

LARRY: You snuck in last night. You can keep doing that till her parents leave.

JACK: (trying to sort it out) Well, I guess it's only for another night or two.

LARRY: (taking the key) Thanks, Buddy.

JACK: (as Larry exits) But what about after Janet's parents leave? What if Furley's still there? Do I still sneak into Janet's room? Or would she sneak into mine? And wouldn't Furley notice Cindy's never in the apartment? [He sighs.] How did I get mixed up in this?

Scene XIII (The Tag)

[Jack and Janet are standing near the front door with her parents, who are getting ready to leave.]

MRS. W: Thank you for a lovely stay, Dear. And it was nice meeting you, Jack.

MR. W: Yeah, you're a good cook. Better than my wife actually.

MRS. W: Oh, Roland.

JACK: Thank you very much, Mr. and Mrs. Wood.

MRS. W: Call us Mom and Dad.

JACK: OK, Dad.

MRS. W: (laughing) You've picked a real winner, Janet.

JANET: (smiling) Yeah, I know.

MR. W: And let us know when the wedding's going to be.

JANET: Well, we're not rushing into it. It might not be for a few months.

JACK: Or years. [Janet hits him.]

MRS. W: Years?

MR. W: Oh, my ulcer!

JANET: More likely months.

MRS. W: I'm so happy for you two. [She hugs them.] Well, goodbye. [She lets go. Her husband kisses Janet goodbye.]

MR. W: Goodbye, Pumpkin. (shaking Jack's hand) Take good care of my little girl.

JACK: I'll do my best, Sir. [The Woods exit, waving. Janet closes the door and then collapses on it.]

JANET: So much for our weekend alone.

JACK: (looking at his watch) Yeah, 6 p.m. on Sunday. But we're alone now.

JANET: Only till Furley gets back from repairs.

JACK: Janet, you've seen Furley work. He's very slow.

JANET: Unlike you.

JACK: (coming closer to her) Yeah, I can work pretty fast. [They start making out. Then Cindy bursts in the front door, knocking them over.] Cindy, why am I not surprised?

JANET: (as they get up) I thought you were with Larry.

CINDY: I was but Mr. Furley came in.

J & J: Oh no!

CINDY: Don't worry, we weren't doing anything. But Mr. Furley has his apartment back.

JACK: So he fixed the heat?

CINDY: No, but you got fired.

JACK: What?

CINDY: Yeah, another tenant called up to complain, but it was one who'd never met Mr. Furley before, so she got him fired. Or you. Anyway he's back. So now I'm going to make my bed since Larry's staying over again. [She goes to the girls' room and shuts the door.]

JANET: Larry's staying here again?

JACK: Probably only till Furley fixes the heat. [Janet stares at him.] OK, that may take awhile. But at least we've got my room back.

JANET: (smiling) Oh yeah. [They kiss.]

JACK: And actually it might not be that bad.

JANET: What do you mean?

JACK: It's like that old folktale where the farmer complains that his house is too small for his family. So the village wise woman advises him to bring the pig into the house that night. And then add in the goat the next night, and then the chickens, and then some—

JANET: I know that one. And then at the end, she tells him to take all the animals out of the house. And suddenly his house doesn't seem so small.

JACK: Right. So just think of Larry as the pig.

JANET: Or the goat.

JACK: No, I'm the goat. Baaa! [He butts his head against her. She giggles. Larry enters the open door and stares at them.]

LARRY: Um, I can come back later. [Fade to credits.]


	8. Welcome Back: A 45-Minute Special

Scene I

[Trio's living room. Jack, Janet, and Cindy are by the door.]

JANET: Have fun at Larry's this weekend.

JACK: Don't do anything we wouldn't do. [Janet hits him. Cindy laughs.]

CINDY: See you Sunday! [She exits.]

JACK: Alone at last.

JANET: Yeah, but for how long?

JACK: Maybe this'll be the weekend our luck changes and we'll actually have no interruptions.

JANET: I hope so. [He kisses her.] Hm, I seem to remember you once offering to make love to me in every room in the apartment.

JACK: Well, all that's left is the bathroom. [They look over at it and then she giggles and runs over there. He chases her, doing his heavy-breathing perve bit. After they're both in there, with the door shut, the water starts running.] Oh, I wanted to shower with you, not take a bath.

JANET: Come on, Jack, it'll be fun. And while the tub is filling up, we can undress each other.

JACK: Hurt me! [Sounds of undressing and making out.]

JANET: OK, it's just about ready. Let me get in first. [Mr. Furley enters the open front door.]

MR. F: Hello, anyone home? [Pause.]

JACK: OK, Janet, I'm going in now. [Mr. Furley looks confused and moves closer to the bathroom.]

JANET: Oh, maybe it's too deep.

JACK: Yeah, it's spilling over. [Mr. Furley's eyes bug out, and he looks progressively more shocked at each line.]

JANET: Maybe I should stand up for a minute.

JACK: Let's try it sitting at the same time.

JANET: Oh, we're getting soaked!

JACK: That's the idea, isn't it?

JANET: Good point.

JACK: How about a little scrubbing?

JANET: Mm, harder!

JACK: How's that?

JANET: A little lower. Yeah, that's the spot!

MR. F: (unable to take any more) OK, you two, that's enough of the rub-a-dub-dub-come-hop-in-my-tub! [Cut to the bathroom, where the shower curtain is closed.]

JACK: (whispering) Great, Furley.

JANET: (whispering) I have an idea. Can you reach our clothes?

JACK: Maybe. Why?

JANET: Just get them.

MR. F: (offscreen as Jack leans out of the shower curtain and down to grab the clothes off the floor) Don't deny you're in there! I hear you!

JACK: (ducking back behind the curtain) Mr. Furley, is that you?

MR. F: You're darned tooting it's me! Now open that door!

JACK: It's unlocked, come on in. [Mr. Furley enters, covering his eyes.]

MR. F: I'll give you five seconds to get dressed and then you can pack your bags.

JANET: Why, Mr. Furley, we are dressed.

MR. F: You are?

JACK: Sure, why wouldn't we be? [Mr. Furley peeks cautiously, then lowers his hand.]

MR. F: Why is the shower curtain closed?

JACK: (poking his head out and showing that he's wearing a shirt) Well, we're cleaning the tub and the water gets all over the floor.

MR. F: (looking down at the wet floor) Oh.

JANET: (poking her head out and showing she's got her blouse on) So what brings you by, Mr. Furley?

MR. F: Well, I'm going on that swinging singles weekend I missed last month, and I need someone to feed my fish.

JACK: Oh, we can do that for you, no problem.

MR. F: Great! Here's the extra key. [He takes it out of his pocket. Jack almost steps out of the tub but thinks better of it.]

JACK: Oh, I don't want to get the floor any wetter.

MR. F: Oh, sure. [He hands the key over to Jack.] Well, see you two on Sunday.

JANET: Have a good weekend, Mr. Furley.

JACK: Don't do anything—Oof! [Furley looks at him.] I dropped the cleanser on my foot. [Furley shakes his head and leaves, closing the door on his way out. Pause. The sound of the front door closing.] Sorry, Janet, that just slipped out.

JANET: Speaking of slipping out. And in. [She steps closer. Jack groans.]

JACK: Mm, now I know why you had us leave our pants off. [Fade.]

Scene II

[The empty living room. Then Jack and Janet enter from the bathroom, wearing their shirts, with towels below the waist.]

JANET: (smiling) Well, you did it, Jack, every room.

JACK: Maybe we should move to a bigger place. [She laughs and then they kiss.]

JANET: I just wish we had dry pants to change into. [Jack whispers something to her. She blushes.] Jack Tripper, you have a dirty mind.

JACK: Maybe I need another bath. [He kisses her again.]

JANET: Mm, maybe tomorrow night. [Knock.] I knew all that privacy was too good to be true. We had, what, almost a whole hour alone?

JACK: That better not be Furley again.

JANET: Whoever it is, they can't catch us like this.

JACK: Maybe if we just ignore—

WOMAN: (offstage) Anybody home?

JANET: That's Mrs. Roper!

JACK: OK, here's what we do. [He starts to take off his shirt.] You go in the bedroom—

JANET: Now?

JACK: No, your bedroom. Put on some more clothes. And I'll act like I just got out of the tub.

JANET: You did just get out of the tub.

JACK: Work with me, Janet. (calling towards the front door) Mrs. Roper, is that you?

MRS. R: Jack?

JACK: Hey, what a surprise! I'll be there in a minute. (whispering) Go, Janet! [She dashes to her room. He goes back in the bathroom.] I'm just taking a bath.

MRS. R: If this is a bad time—

JACK: Not at all. [He comes back out of the bathroom, holding his and Janet's wet jeans and underwear. He looks around and then throws the wet clothes in his room. His towel almost falls. He fixes it.] Hey, Janet, come out of your room! Mrs. Roper is here!

JANET: Mrs. Roper, really?

MRS. R: Oh, Janet, are you there, too?

JANET: Yes, I was just taking a nap.

MRS. R: Oh, I have the worst timing!

JACK: No, it's fine. [He does the _OK, it's cool, I'm calm_ movements before opening the door.] Mrs. Roper!

MRS. R: Oh, Jack! [She flings her arms around him.] It's so good to see you—Oh, sorry, I forgot you just got out of the shower. [She lets go.]

JACK: Oops, sorry, let me go change. [He goes in his room. Pause.]

MRS. R: Really, I can come back another time.

JANET: (emerging from her room in slacks) Don't be silly, we haven't seen you in ages. How have you been? [Mrs. Roper bursts into tears.]

JACK: (offstage) Janet, what did you do to her?

JANET: (glaring at his door) Nothing. Come on, Mrs. Roper, sit down and tell me all about it. [She leads Mrs. Roper over to the couch.]

MRS. R: (as they sit down) Well, it's my 25th anniversary.

JANET: (uncertainly) Congratulations? [Mrs. Roper cries more.] Did Mr. Roper forget again?

MRS. R: Yes, he went bowling.

JANET: Men!

JACK: (still offstage) What?

JANET: Nothing.

MRS. R: I just can't take it anymore, Janet, how he takes me for granted. So I've left him.

JANET: And come here?

MRS. R: Well, I didn't have anywhere else to turn.

JANET: Oh, well, not that we don't want to help, but—

MRS. R: I know it'll be crowded, but I don't mind sleeping on the couch.

JANET: Um, actually, Cind—I mean Chrissy is away for the weekend, so you can have her bed.

MRS. R: Oh, Janet, thank you! [She hugs Janet.] It won't be for long, just a few weeks, till I can find a job. [She lets go.]

JANET: (weakly) OK.

JACK: (coming in, fully dressed) So, Mrs. Roper, how can we help you? [Janet looks at him helplessly. Cut to commercial.]

Scene III

[The living room again. Jack and Janet are on the couch, whispering, as Mrs. Roper sings in the shower, offkey.]

JACK: OK, here's what we do. After she falls asleep, we'll sneak down to Furley's. Then we'll sneak back up before she wakes up.

JANET: Great, Jack, and what do we do when Cindy gets back from spending the weekend at Larry's? Not to mention Furley coming home.

JACK: I don't know. I hadn't thought beyond the first couple nights. [She shakes her head.] OK, we'll have Cindy stay with Larry till Mrs. Roper is gone.

JANET: (kidding) Poor Cindy. [Jack shakes his head.] Why don't we just tell Mrs. Roper about Cindy tomorrow morning? I'll say that I didn't want to mention her because Mrs. Roper was so upset. But we have a new roommate who's away for the weekend.

JACK: Hm, the truth. That might actually work. [Janet laughs.] But what if she wants to sleep on our couch?

JANET: Then we'll let her sleep on our couch. She is our friend.

JACK: You're right. And you're sweet. [He moves close to kiss her, then sees Mrs. Roper, dressed for bed, opening the bathroom door.] No, Janet, I don't think you have anything in your eye.

JANET: What?

JACK: Mrs. Roper, could you come over here and see if there's anything in Janet's eye?

JANET: (turning to face Mrs. Roper) Oh!

MRS. R: Which eye?

JACK: The right!

JANET: (simultaneously) The left!

MRS. R: What?

JACK: The left!

JANET: (simultaneously) The right!

JACK: Um, my right, her left.

JANET: But you know, I don't feel it anymore. I think it's gone.

MRS. R: (bursting into tears) That's how it is with me and Stanley!

JANET: Oh, Mrs. Roper, why don't you get some sleep? You'll feel much better in the morning.

MRS. R: You think so?

JANET: Sure, you go on to bed. I'll be in in a minute.

MRS. R: OK, thanks, Janet. You kids are the best. [She goes into the girls' room.]

JACK: (whispering) What if she spends the whole night crying?

JANET: (also whispering) She'll have to sleep sometime. And then we'll sneak down to Furley's.

JACK: Mercy! [They kiss. Fade.]

Scene IV

[The foot of the stairs. Jack and Janet are coming down, in their outfits from the last scene.]

JACK: So she finally cried herself to sleep?

JANET: Yes, Jack, it was the saddest thing.

JACK: Well, so was Mr. Roper. [She playfully hits him. Then he moves in for a kiss, but Mr. Roper appears on Stage Right.] Mr. Roper!

JANET: (confused) You just said that.

JACK: Looky there, Janet, it's Mr. Roper.

JANET: (turning and seeing him) Oh, Mr. Roper! What a surprise!

JACK: What brings you here?

MR. R: Have you two seen my wife?

JANET: Uh, no, we haven't.

JACK: Not in months and months.

JANET: What would she be doing here?

MR. R: She left me.

JACK: Now why would she do something like that?

MR. R: I forgot our anniversary.

JANET: Shame on you, Mr. Roper!

MR. R: (shrugging) It's not like I haven't before. [Janet shakes her head.]

JANET: Well, maybe if you apologize to her.

MR. R: Me, apologize? Why should I apologize?

JANET: You forgot your anniversary.

MR. R: She should apologize to me, after what she did to my bowling ball. [Jack and Janet look at each other, then at Mr. Roper.] Glue in every hole!

JACK: Well, she's probably upset.

MR. R: And I'm not? I can't go home.

JANET: Well, maybe if—

MR. R: So can I stay with you kids?

J & J: What?

MR. R: Just till I find Helen.

JANET: Oh, gee, we'd love to have you stay, Mr. Roper, but Chrissy's cousin Cindy is visiting and we don't have the room.

MR. R: Oh.

JACK: (taking pity on him) Hey, I know, why don't you stay in your old apartment? [Jack gestures at the door.]

MR. R: (confused) What about the new owner's brother? Squirrely?

JANET: (trying not to laugh) That's Furley.

MR. R: Whatever. Isn't he managing the building?

JACK: Yes, but he's away for the weekend. I'm sure he wouldn't mind. And you can feed his fish.

MR. R: His what?

JANET: His fish. That's why we were coming down, to feed his fish.

JACK: (unlocking the door for Mr. Roper) Have a great weekend.

MR. R: (going in) Fish. [He shuts the door.]

JANET: So much for our weekend.

JACK: OK, here's the plan. You'll sneak into my room and then sneak back out in the morning before Mrs. Roper gets up.

JANET: (sighing) OK, but I hate all this slipping in and out. [She blushes.] I mean— [He laughs and then kisses her. Fade.]

Scene V

[The top of the stairs outside the trio's apartment. Chrissy is with her suitcases and a young, handsome, blond but bland-looking young man.]

CHRISSY: Gee, Ted, thanks for driving me all the way from Fresno.

TED: No problem. But next time, maybe I'd better read the map.

CHRISSY: While you're driving?

TED: No, but, well, it shouldn't have taken ten hours.

CHRISSY: Yeah, it is kind of late.

TED: (yawning) And I've got that long drive back.

CHRISSY: Why don't you sleep here?

TED: (smiling) Yeah?

CHRISSY: Yeah, you can sleep in my bed.

TED: (leaning closer) Yeah?

CHRISSY: And I'll sleep in Jack's bed.

TED: What?

CHRISSY: I was thinking about it in the car. When we were lost on the L.A. freeway.

TED: Great.

CHRISSY: See, Jack can sleep in Janet's bed.

TED: While I'm sleeping in your bed?

CHRISSY: And Janet can sleep on the couch.

TED: Poor Jack.

CHRISSY: Huh?

TED: Nothing. So where's Cindy going to sleep?

CHRISSY: With me, because it's a big bed and we're cousins.

TED: (slowly) That's very creative, Chrissy.

CHRISSY: (modestly) Well, I was always good at solving problems. Except in math.

TED: Yeah, I remember.

CHRISSY: You were the best tutor I ever had. Even though you were a freshman and I was a senior.

TED: Thanks.

CHRISSY: You were such a funny little kid. And now look at you, all grown up.

TED: (softly) You haven't changed.

CHRISSY: Well, I changed out of my cheerleading outfit. [She does her patented snort-laugh.]

TED: (smiling) I love your laugh.

CHRISSY: Really?

TED: Yeah, in fact, I love—Love this building.

CHRISSY: Wait till you see the inside. [She unlocks the door and goes in. Ted hits his forehead, then sighs, picks up two of her suitcases, and goes in. Cut to the living room.] Let me just wake up Janet. [Cut to the girls' room. Janet's bed is empty. Mrs. Roper is completely under the covers. Chrisssy looks in, seems surprised, and closes the door. Cut back to the living room.] That's weird. Janet's not in her bed.

TED: Maybe she went away for the weekend.

CHRISSY: Maybe. I've sort of lost track of their lives.

TED: And they don't know you're coming back for good?

CHRISSY: No, I wanted to surprise them.

TED: What about Cindy?

CHRISSY: Oh, I'll surprise her, too.

TED: No, I mean, what's she going to do when you're here?

CHRISSY: Well, she can move back to Fresno. That was always the deal. I just didn't expect my mom to be sick for so long.

TED: Yeah, Chrissy, it's been four months. Isn't it possible Cindy might've already started to put down roots here?

CHRISSY: (snorting) She's not a plant.

TED: I know, but—

CHRISSY: Well, if she likes L.A., she can sleep on the couch till she finds a place of her own. And if she wants to go back to Fresno, well, maybe you can drive her back?

TED: (sighing) Yeah, since I'm going that way anyhow.

CHRISSY: We can all talk about it tomorrow. Right now, there's no point in waking everybody up. I'll sleep in Janet's bed, and you can sleep on the couch.

TED: Whatever you say, Chrissy. [Cut to commercial.]

Scene VI

[The living room again. Ted is sleeping on the couch with a blanket. Chrissy tiptoes in, wearing her shortie nightie.]

CHRISSY: Ted?

TED: (groggily) What?

CHRISSY: I need something from you.

TED: (instantly waking up) Anything, Chrissy!

CHRISSY: Well, I can't sleep, so—

TED: (eagerly) Yeah?

CHRISSY: So can I borrow your earplugs?

TED: What?

CHRISSY: Cindy is snoring.

TED: (disappointed) Oh.

CHRISSY: She didn't used to when we were kids, but maybe it's all the smog.

TED: (amused) Maybe.

CHRISSY: I wonder if I snore in L.A. I'll have to ask the next time I sleep with someone who's awake.

TED: Um, right.

CHRISSY: So can I have your earplugs?

TED: Sure. [He reaches into his overnight bag and pulls them out.]

CHRISSY: (taking them) Thanks, Ted. [She kisses his cheek and goes back to her room. He looks after her, then sighs, shakes his head, and lies down again.]

Scene VII

[Jack's bedroom. Jack and Janet are in bed but Janet's awake.]

JANET: Jack Honey, wake up.

JACK: (groggily) What?

JANET: I thought I heard voices in the living room.

JACK: Probably a dream. Or Mrs. Roper talking to herself.

JANET: Please, could you go check?

JACK: (sighing) OK. [He gets up, stumbles out of bed and to the door. He opens the door and looks out.] No, no one there. [He closes the door.]

JANET: I'm sorry, Sweetie, I woke you for nothing.

JACK: (waking up a bit more) Well, it doesn't have to be for nothing.

JANET: I told you I feel self-conscious with Mrs. Roper in the next room.

JACK: We'll just have to be extra quiet.

JANET: I'll try.

Scene VIII

[Mr. Furley's living room. Mr. Furley enters and sighs.]

MR. F: Some singles' weekend that turned out to be. Looks like I'm sleeping alone tonight. [He yawns. Cut to Mr. Furley's bedroom, where Mr. Roper is sleeping. Mr. Furley comes in and grabs his turquoise and pink silk pajamas. Fade.]

Scene IX

[The girls' room. Both beds are occupied, neither person distinguishable. There's the faint sound of lovemaking offstage.]

MRS. R: (talking in her sleep) But, Mr. Redford, what will I tell Mr. Newman? All right, I'll call you Bob. [She tosses and turns and then wakes up.] Oh, Stanley— [She looks around.] Where am I? Oh, the kids' apartment. [The lovemaking gets a bit louder. Mrs. Roper smiles.] Jack must have a girl in his room. [She glances over at Janet's bed.] I don't know how Janet can sleep through that. But maybe it's just as well, since she's always had a little crush on Jack. At least I never had to worry about that with Stanley. He never looked at another woman. [She sighs.] I really miss him. And listening to Jack and his date isn't helping. I know! The kids said they're feeding the new landlord's fish while he's away. I'll just borrow the key and sleep downstairs. [Cut to the living room, where Ted is lying awake on the couch.]

TED: How am I going to get through tonight? Listening to that. At least Chrissy's got my earplugs so she can't hear Jack and whoever he's got in there. God, Chrissy, she looked so sexy in her nightie! And I still feel like I'm 14 around her. Well, I guess I'll have to handle it the way I did back then. [He reaches under the covers, just as Mrs. Roper comes out of the girls' room.]

TED & MRS. R: (simultaneously) Who are you?

MRS. R: (shutting the bedroom door) I'm the kids' old landlady. Well, not old, but—

TED: Mrs. Roper?

MRS. R: How did you know?

TED: I'm Chrissy's old friend from high school. She talks about everybody here all the time.

MRS. R: How sweet. But what are you doing here when she's away for the weekend?

TED: The weekend?

MRS. R: That's what Jack and Janet said. [She yawns.] Excuse me, but I've got to get some sleep.

TED: Kind of hard to do with that going on. [He points at Jack's room. Mrs. Roper laughs.]

MRS. R: Yeah, that Jack is something. But I'm going downstairs as soon as I find the key. [She looks around.]

TED: Do you want me to help you look?

MRS. R: No, don't disturb yourself. Oh, there it is, by the phone. Nice meeting you, uh—

TED: Ted. Ted McKinley.

MRS. R: Nice meeting you, Ted. [She exits.]

TED: Hm, Chrissy's bed is empty now. Nah, I couldn't do that. [He sighs.] Back to the old tried and true method. [His hand goes under the blanket. Fade.]

Scene X

[Mr. Furley's bedroom. Mr. Furley and Mr. Roper are sleeping in bed together, facing away from each other. Mrs. Roper comes in and turns on the light. She screams. The two men wake up and look at her, then at each other. Prolonged mugging ensues.]

MRS. R: So this is why you always had a headache! [She runs out of the room.]

ANNOUNCER: (as the words flash on the screen) To be continued. [Cut to commercial.]

Tag

ANNOUNCER: Next time on _Two's a Crowd_—

MRS. R: (to Ted) My marriage is built on lies!

MR. F: (as everyone but Janet is standing around Jack's bed) Jack, isn't it time you came out of the closet?

CHRISSY: (crying to Janet in the kitchen) You were supposed to be my best friends!

JACK: (kneeling beside Janet's chair in the kitchen, as Chrissy looks on) Janet, there's something I want to ask you.

ANNOUNCER: Be sure to tune in! [Cut to credits]


	9. Very Revealing

Scene I

[Jack's bedroom. Jack and Janet are cuddling. Someone knocks at the front door. They look at each other.]

JANET: (whispering) Who could that be?

JACK: (whispering back) I don't know. It's late.

JANET: Maybe if we ignore it, they'll go away. [Knocking again.]

JACK: Eventually. [He sighs and starts to get out of bed.]

MAN: (offscreen) Hold on a minute. [Jack and Janet look at each other.]

JACK: (still whispering) Janet, who is that?

JANET: (also still whispering) I told you I thought I heard voices earlier.

WOMAN: (also offscreen) Oh, I'm so upset!

JANET: That's Mrs. Roper!

JACK: I thought she was asleep in your room.

JANET: She was when I came in here.

MAN: What happened, Mrs. Roper?

MRS. R: Oh, Ted, my marriage is built on lies!

JACK: Who's Ted?

JANET: I don't know, but he seems to be a friend of Mrs. Roper's.

MR. R: (offscreen) Helen, let me explain!

MR. F: (also offscreen) Yeah, I didn't even know your husband was in my bed. [Jack and Janet look at each other again.]

MR. R: We were just—Wait a minute, what are you doing up here with this young guy?

MRS. R: He's a friend of Chrissy's.

MR. F: But Chrissy's in Fresno.

BOTH ROPERS: What?

TED: No, she's in her room.

THE ROPERS AND MR. FURLEY: What?

TED: Yeah, she's sleeping in Janet's bed because Cindy was in her bed.

MRS. R: I was sleeping in Chrissy's bed. Who's Cindy?

MR. R: Chrissy's cousin.

MRS. R: What?

MR. R: Jack and Janet told me. She's visiting.

MR. F: No, she's staying here while Chrissy's in Fresno.

TED: I told you, Chrissy's here, in her room.

MR. R: Helen, you go look.

MRS. R: Why me?

MR. R: You're the woman.

MRS. R: I didn't think you noticed.

JANET: Jack, whoever's in my bed, they're going to find out it isn't me.

JACK: (nodding) Yeah, and then they're gonna find out who's in this bed. [Cut to the girls' room. Someone is in Janet's bed, covered up. The door opens slowly. Mrs. Roper peeks in, the three men standing behind her.]

MRS. R: Janet? Chrissy? Cindy? [She pulls the blanket off the person's face. She screams.] Oh my God, Chrissy's dead!

TED: No, she just has earplugs. See, I think she's breathing. The way her chest rises and falls. Um, excuse me. [He disappears.]

MRS. R: (gently touching Chrissy's arm) Sweetie, wake up. [Chrissy turns, wakes up, and sees Mrs. Roper.]

CHRISSY: Mrs. Roper! Oh no, I've gone deaf!

MRS. R: No, you're wearing earplugs.

CHRISSY: I'm sorry, Mrs. Roper. I can't hear you. I've gone deaf. [Mrs. Roper mimes removing the earplugs. Chrissy looks confused.] Is this charades? Sounds like? You know, it's a good thing I didn't go blind. This would be really hard to play. [She snort-laughs. Mrs. Roper hits her own forehead.] Smack! Hit!

MRS. R: (shaking her head) My husband is gay and I'm playing charades with an idiot.

TED: (back in the doorway) Chrissy is not an idiot!

MR. R: And I'm not gay!

MRS. R: And Janet's not here.

MR. F: Let's ask Jack what's going on.

MRS. R: Uh, I don't think that's a good idea.

MR. F: Why not?

TED: Well, Jack's got a girl in there.

MR. R & MR. F: What?

CHRISSY: (still trying to hear) What?

MRS. R: (nervously) No, I don't think that was a girl.

TED: Well, it sounded like it.

MRS. R: Ted doesn't know Jack's gay.

TED: Are all the men in this building gay?

MR. R: I'm not gay!

MR. F: And neither am I. But Jack is. Or he's supposed to be.

TED: Oh, right, Chrissy told me about having to pret—Uh, I mean, right. I just forgot. Jack is gay.

MR. R: If Jack's got a girl in there, I'm throwing him out!

MR. F: Wait a doggone minute! I'm the landlord now. I'll throw him out.

MRS. R: Why don't you wait till morning? Jack and his friend deserve some privacy.

MR. R: Not in my building. Sorry, your building.

MR. F: Thanks. We'll throw them out together.

CHRISSY: I wish I knew what all the shouting's about. [Cut back to Jack's room. Jack is pretending to be asleep. Janet is nowhere in sight. Pause. Then someone pounds on the bedroom door.]

JACK: (sleepily) Is someone there?

MR. F: Open up, it's R.F.!

JACK: Mr. Furley, I'm not decent!

MR. R: That's the problem. Now open up!

JACK: (acting surprised) Mr. Roper? Are you there, too?

MRS. R: (as the two landlords burst in) Jack, I'm really sorry about this.

JACK: I don't blame you, Mrs. Roper.

MR. R: OK, where is she?

MR. F: Or he?

JACK: Who?

CHRISSY: (coming in) What?

JACK: Chrissy! Great to see you! But what about your sick mom?

CHRISSY: What?

TED: She got better. And she's wearing earplugs.

JACK: Chrissy's mom got better by wearing earplugs?

TED: No, she—Hold on. [He gently touches one of Chrissy's ears. Chrissy gasps and nods. Then she removes the earplugs.]

CHRISSY: Thanks, Ted! You cured me!

MR. F: So where is she?

JACK: Chrissy's mom? In Fresno I guess.

MR. F: Don't play innocent, Jack. We know you had someone in here earlier.

MRS. R: I'm sorry, Jack, I couldn't sleep.

JACK: But Chrissy had earplugs. But what about Ted?

TED: Hey, it's none of my business.

MR. R: Well, it's my business. Or Furley's at least.

MR. F: Yeah, Jack, isn't it time you came out of the closet?

JACK: (glancing nervously at the closet) The closet?

MR. F: Yeah, admit you had a girl in here earlier.

JACK: (queenily) A girl? Don't be silly, Mr. Furley. What would I be doing with a girl?

MRS. R: Look who he's asking.

MR. R: For the last time, Helen, nothing happened downstairs.

MRS. R: Oh, like when we lived there.

CHRISSY: (to Ted) Did I miss something?

TED: Mrs. Roper caught her husband in bed with the other guy.

CHRISSY: Oh, but that doesn't mean anything. Like the time Jack slept with Janet's sister.

EVERYONE BUT JACK AND CHRISSY: What?

CHRISSY: They were in bed together, but they weren't in bed together.

MR. R: Exactly! That's what happened to me!

TED: You were in bed with Jack?

MR. R: Nothing happened then either.

CHRISSY: Right. So even if Jack had a girl in here, it doesn't mean he had a girl in here.

MRS. R: Uh, right.

JANET: (stepping out of Jack's closet, wearing a long shirt of Jack's) Actually it does. [Jack looks nervous. Everyone else looks shocked. Cut to commercial.]

Scene II

[Where we left off.]

MR. F: (his eyes bugging) You and you?

MR. R: Janet is the girl you had in here?

MRS. R: Finally! [Chrissy bursts into tears and runs out of the room.]

J & J: Chrissy!

TED: Let me talk to her. I'm an old friend.

JANET: That's sweet of you, but I think I should. [She leaves the room.]

JACK: I'll go with you. [He starts to get up, then thinks better of it.] Uh, could you all turn around?

MR. F: You're not going anywhere.

MR. R: Not till you tell us what you were doing with Janet.

MRS. R: (eagerly) And don't leave anything out!

MR. R: (waving his hands) I don't want the details! I just want to know, were you fooling around with Janet?

JACK: Actually, I was pretty serious about it.

MR. R: None of your jokes this time.

JACK: I'm not joking.

MR. R: Then you're not gay?

MR. F: Thank God! [The others look at him.] My good example finally worked!

Scene III

[The kitchen. Janet and Chrissy are sitting at the table, Chrissy crying.]

CHRISSY: You were supposed to be my best friends!

JANET: Chrissy Sweetie, I know. Our agreement. That nothing would ever happen with Jack. And I broke that. But I love him.

CHRISSY: That's not why I'm crying.

JANET: Oh no! Chrissy, you're not in love with Jack, are you?

CHRISSY: Janet, sometimes you can be so dumb.

JANET: (trying not to smile) What is it then?

CHRISSY: It's that you didn't tell me what was going on.

JANET: I know. There was never a good time. And nothing happened while you were living here, I swear. Not till Cindy moved in.

CHRISSY: Does Cindy know?

JANET: (having to smile) Yes, Honey, she knows.

CHRISSY: Where is she anyway?

JANET: Spending the weekend with Larry.

CHRISSY: (snort-laughing) No, really. [Janet shakes her head.]

Scene IV

[Back in Jack's room.]

MR. R: You're happy Jack's straight?

MR. F: Of course. But I'll still have to kick him out. I mean, it'd be bad enough if he were dating other girls, but dating Janet?

TED: That's ridiculous. You may as well have Janet move out.

MR. F: Hm.

MRS. R: Ted, you're not helping.

MR. R: An unmarried couple living together is worse than a single man and a single woman.

TED: But it's two single women. Three if Chrissy moves back.

MRS. R: (shaking her head) Ted.

TED: Sorry.

JACK: (finally speaking up) What if I married Janet? Then could we stay?

MR. F: You're going to marry Janet?

JACK: If she'll have me. Ted, could you hand me my robe?

TED: (getting the robe) You're not going to propose to her naked?

JACK: Well, if she wants to take off her clothes— [Mr. Roper looks disgusted, Mrs. Roper giggles. Jack slips on his robe and then gets out of bed.] Wish me luck.

TED: Good luck. And check on Chrissy while you're out there, will you?

JACK: Sure.

MRS. R: Oo, this is so exciting!

MR. R: What's so exciting about people getting married just for sex?

MRS. R: (to herself) Why do I stay with him?

Scene V

[Back in the kitchen.]

CHRISSY: So how serious is it with Cindy and Larry?

JANET: (shrugging) It's hard to say. By Larry's standards, three months is a lifetime commitment.

CHRISSY: And what about you and Jack?

JANET: Well— [Jack enters.]

JACK: Hey, Chrissy, feeling better?

CHRISSY: (nodding) Yes, but it seems like a lot has happened since I left.

JANET: A lot has happened since Cindy left for the weekend.

JACK: Yeah. (kneeling by Janet's chair) Janet, there's something I want to ask you.

JANET: (surprised by his seriousness) Yes, Jack, what is it?

CHRISSY: (realizing) He's going to ask you to marry him! [Janet blinks.]

JANET: (to Jack) You are?

JACK: Yeah, will you?

JANET: I thought you wanted to wait.

JACK: Is that a no?

JANET: No. I mean yes. No no. Yes yes.

JACK: What?

JANET: Yes, I'll marry you. [She and Jack both look stunned.]

CHRISSY: Now you're supposed to kiss.

JACK: (smiling) Thanks, Chrissy. [He and Janet kiss. Chrissy looks delighted. The audience applauds. Mr. Furley comes in.]

MR. F: Well, well, well.

CHRISSY: It's okay, they're getting married.

MR. F: Great! I didn't want to have to evict them. [Janet stops kissing Jack and narrows her eyes.]

JANET: (suspiciously) What?

MR. F: I didn't want to, but that Roper, he's a real hard-ass.

JANET: Jack Tripper, are you only going to marry me because you have to?

MR. F: (eyes bugging) What? Oh no, I've created a Frankenstein! [Janet storms out.] Jack, you got Janet in trouble and you weren't even going to marry her till I said to?

JACK: No, I didn't—Never mind. [He storms out.]

MR. F: I don't understand any of this.

CHRISSY: The only part I don't understand is why you were sleeping with Mr. Roper.

MR. F: Oh, I left the swinging singles weekend because it was all men.

CHRISSY: And you liked Mr. Roper better? [He storms out. Chrissy shrugs and then she goes out the door. The scene shifts to the living room. Jack is pounding on Janet's door.]

JACK: Janet, let me in! [The Ropers and Ted come out of Jack's room.]

MR. R: You're not going in her room till you get married.

MR. F: Who cares anymore? Why lock the barn door after you've made hay? [Everyone looks at him. Then Jack pounds on the door again.]

JACK: Janet! [No answer.]

CHRISSY: Let me talk some sense into her. [Jack stops pounding, shakes his head, and shrugs.]

JACK: Why not? You can't make it any worse.

CHRISSY: (going over to the door) Janet, do you really think Jack would marry someone he doesn't love?

JANET: (offscreen) Well, no.

CHRISSY: I mean, it's not like loving somebody without marrying them. The way he's loved you all these years.

EVERYONE BUT CHRISSY: What?

JACK: I didn't love Janet all along. Well, I loved her as a friend. But I didn't capital-L love her.

JANET: You see? I love you more than you love me, because I've always loved you.

CHRISSY: Who cares who had the head-start, as long as you cross the finish line together? [The men look confused, but Mrs. Roper looks touched.]

MRS. R: This is so romantic!

MR. F: Even though she's pregnant?

MR. R: Little Chrissy is pregnant?

TED: Don't look at me, I just drove her here.

MR. F: No, Janet is pregnant.

JANET: (opening the door) No, I'm not. Just in love. [She kisses Jack. The audience aws.]

JACK: Then will you marry me?

JANET: Yes, I will. [The audience applauds.]

CHRISSY: Wait, I just thought of something! If you two get married, does that mean Cindy and I have to move out? [Everyone looks confused, including Chrissy. Fade to commercial.]

Scene VI (The Tag)

[The living room. Ted is sleeping on the couch. The door opens. Cindy and Larry stand in the doorway.]

CINDY: Thank you for a lovely weekend, Larry.

LARRY: My pleasure.

CINDY: (smiling) I know. [They kiss.] Would you like to come in?

LARRY: Well, maybe for a few minutes. [They head for the couch. Then they see Ted.] Who's that?

CINDY: Oh my god, Ted McKinley! I had such a crush on him in high school.

LARRY: (jealously) You did?

CINDY: Yeah, but I was a little freshman and he was a senior and he never noticed me.

LARRY: Well, he must've noticed you if he's in your living room.

TED: (sleepily) Who's there?

CINDY: Hi, Ted. It's Cindy, Cindy Snow.

LARRY: And her boyfriend Larry.

TED: Oh yeah, Chrissy told me about you, Larry. And Jack says—

LARRY: Uh, is Jack around?

TED: No, he's staying with the Ropers till the wedding.

LARRY & CINDY: The wedding?!

TED: (sighing) Let me wake up, Chrissy. She's better at explaining things. [Larry and Cindy look utterly confused. Fade to credits.]


	10. The Wedding Episode

Scene I

[The living room. The girls' bedroom door is open.]

CINDY: (offscreen) Oh, Janet, you look so beautiful!

CHRISSY: (also offscreen) You really do. Like you stepped off a wedding cake.

JANET: (also offscreen, amused) Thank you. [Doorbell.] Oh, that must be Jack. Could one of you let him in? But don't let him see me.

CHRISSY: (confused) But Jack already knows what you look like.

CINDY: I'll do it. [She enters and crosses over to the front door. She opens the door to Larry.] Oh, hi, Larry. We thought you were Jack.

LARRY: Disappointed?

CINDY: Not at all. [She gives him a big kiss.]

LARRY: Mm, if weddings make you this romantic, maybe we should get married. [She turns away and doesn't laugh.] That was a joke.

CINDY: Was it?

LARRY: Cindy, you know how I feel about you.

CINDY: (looking at him again) I'm sorry, Larry. I really like you. And you're fun to be with, but I just don't love you.

LARRY: (quietly) Oh.

CINDY: I'm really sorry.

LARRY: Hey, it's okay. Now I don't have to catch Janet's garter. [He turns and exits.]

CINDY: Larry! [She starts to go after him, but Chrissy emerges from the girls' room, shutting the door behind her.]

CHRISSY: Was that Larry?

CINDY: Yes, and I've just ruined Janet's wedding.

CHRISSY: But the wedding hasn't even started.

CINDY: No, I rejected Larry.

CHRISSY: Oh, I've rejected him lots of times. He'll get over it.

CINDY: No, it's not like that. (as Mr. Furley appears behind her) He wanted something serious, and I was mostly dating him for the sex. [Mr. Furley looks utterly shocked. Chrissy gestures frantically.] He's standing behind me, isn't he?

CHRISSY: No, not Larry. Uh, I mean, not the guy who doesn't live in this building and is a complete stranger to Mr. Furley.

CINDY: (weakly) Mr. Furley?

MR. F: You and Larry? In my building?

CINDY: (turning slowly) Hi, Mr. Furley.

MR. F: (coming in) Now, I know you're new, but if my brother Bart knew about there being hanky-panky in this building— [The Ropers appear.]

MR. R: What? Hanky-panky? Besides Jack and Janet?

MRS. R: Oo, who?

CHRISSY: It's okay, they've broken up.

MRS. R: Who?

CINDY: (embarrassed) Me and Larry.

ROPERS AND FURLEY: What?

JACK: (appearing in the doorway behind the Ropers) Can I come in? Now that you're all here to chaperone me.

CHRISSY: Jack, you can't see Janet!

JACK: Don't worry, I'll stay out of her room.

MR. F: It's a little late for that, isn't it?

CINDY: Jack, you have to go look for Larry. We just broke up and he seemed upset.

JACK: You broke up with my best man on my wedding day?

CINDY: I'm sorry, Jack.

MR. F: Listen, Jack, if you'd like me to help, just say the word.

JACK: Great, go look for Larry.

MR. F: (hurt) I meant I could be your best man.

JACK: (touched and amused, despite his irritation over the situation) Thanks, R.F. But Janet and I were hoping you could give Janet away. Her parents' flight got snowed in.

MR. F: In April?

JACK: (shrugging) That's Indiana.

MR. R: Wait a minute, I was Janet's landlord for three years. This guy's only been here for two.

MRS. R: Oh, Stanley, don't argue about it.

MR. F: It's all right. I'm not really the fatherly type.

CHRISSY: Yeah, you're more the type who can give Larry advice about being dumped. [Mr. Furley looks offended.]

JACK: What Chrissy means is, you're a man of the world. You know a lot about relationships.

MR. F: Well, I guess I can at least check his apartment to make sure he hasn't killed himself. [He exits.]

JACK: Thanks.

MR. R: And I'll go to the Regal Beagle.

JACK: God, you think he might be getting drunk?

MR. R: (shrugging) Who knows? I just need a drink myself. [He exits.]

MRS. R: I'd better go with him. [She exits, closing the door on her way out.]

JACK: Now that they're gone, I can finally talk to Janet. [He goes towards her room.]

CINDY: Jack, it's bad luck to see your bride on your wedding day!

JACK: I'll keep my eyes shut. [He knocks on the girls' door.] Sweetie? Can I come in?

JANET: Well, um, give me a minute.

JACK: OK. (to Chrissy and Cindy) How's she doing? Is she nervous?

CHRISSY: Oh, you know how Janet gets. The smallest thing worries her.

JACK: Thanks, Chrissy. I didn't realize that marrying me was a small thing.

CINDY: How about you, Jack? Are you nervous?

JACK: Moi? I've got nerves of steel, ice water in my veins—

JANET: You can come in now, Jack. I've taken off my gown.

JACK: (sinking to the floor) Jelly in my knees.

CHRISSY: (to Cindy) But won't Jack still see her gown if it's in the same room?

CINDY: Come on, Chrissy, let's decorate the wedding cake.

CHRISSY: But it's already got icing and everything.

CINDY: We'll add their names to it. [She leads her cousin into the kitchen. Jack does the _I'm calm_ movements.]

JACK: (smoothly) I'm coming in, Janet. I hope you're ready for me. [He opens the door. Then he sounds disappointed.] Oh, you're in your bathrobe.

JANET: Yes, but that's all. Well, that and the garter belt.

JACK Hurt me! [He enters her room. Pause. Then the sounds of a makeout. Then a weird sploosh sound.]

CINDY: (offscreen) Oh, I'm so sorry, Chrissy! I didn't mean to get the icing on you!

CHRISSY: It's okay. I'll go wash up in the bathroom. [She enters from the kitchen, blue icing on her. She pauses as she hears the makeout. She smiles and shakes her head. The doorbell rings.] But first I'll get the door.

CINDY: (offscreen) I hope that's Larry.

CHRISSY: (going towards the front door) Even though you broke up with him?

CINDY: (entering from the kitchen) No, for the sake of— [Chrissy opens the door to Ted.]

CHRISSY: Hi, Ted. Sorry I'm such a mess.

TED: (turned on) No, you look great. Uh, I mean, blue suits you.

CHRISSY: Too bad the bridesmaids' dresses are pink. [She snort-laughs. Then Janet moans.]

TED: They couldn't wait till the honeymoon?

CINDY: Oh, no, are they at it again?

CHRISSY: Well, they haven't been alone since Mr. Roper and Mr. Furley found out.

TED: I don't blame them. But, Chrissy, your mom, your dad, and your aunt are on their way upstairs.

CHRISSY: Oh, my aunt! I didn't know she was coming! That's wonderful! Which aunt?

CINDY: Is it my mom?

CHRISSY: Or is it the one with the broken elevator?

TED: It's Becky, but—

CINDY: Oh, I love Aunt Becky! I practically grew up on her farm.

CHRISSY: I caught swine flu there. Or was it chicken pox?

TED: Look, Girls, the main thing is, Chrissy's dad is a minister.

CHRISSY: I know, he's going to marry them. [She snort-laughs.] If my mom doesn't mind.

CINDY: (understanding) Oh, right! Come on, Chrissy, we need to keep them out of the apartment for the next—[She looks at her watch.]—hour.

TED: Really? Jack can last—? [A man in a reverend's collar appears.]

CHRISSY: Hi, Daddy! Ted's taking us all to brunch.

TED: I am? Oh, right, I am.

REV. SNOW: That's very generous of you, Ted. Especially after that long drive from Fresno. [Janet cries out.] What was that?

CINDY: Janet. Um, she's just emotional because of her wedding day.

MRS. SNOW: (appearing in the doorway) Bride's nerves? Maybe I should talk to her.

CINDY: I think she just needs some time alone.

CHRISSY: Where's Aunt Becky?

MRS. S: Downstairs talking to that funny little man your landlord. The new funny little man I mean.

JANET: Oh God!

REV. S: Maybe I should talk to her.

CINDY: She'll be fine. [They all exit.]

MRS. S: (offscreen) Dear, why are you wearing blue icing? [Fade to commercial.]

Scene II

[The living room is empty, until the girls' door opens and Jack stands there in his undershirt and briefs.]

JACK: Mm, thanks for the preview of our wedding night.

JANET: (giggling offscreen) Thank you.

JACK: But I really should go change for the wedding. [Doorbell.]

JANET: Let Cindy or Chrissy get that.

JACK: OK. [He closes her door and calls over to the kitchen.] Cindy? Chrissy? Weird. Let's see. That could be Larry, in which case I should let him in. But it could be Chrissy's parents. Or mine. Or Mr. Roper or Mr. Furley.

MAN: (offscreen) Anyone there? It's Jim the bartender.

LARRY: (drunkenly offscreen) And Larry! [Jack shakes his head and goes to the door.]

JACK: (opening it) Thanks for bringing him, Jim. But I thought Roper was gonna bring him back.

JIM: Roper? He was too busy smooching with Mrs. Roper.

JACK: Mr. Roper? Smooching? With Mrs. Roper?

LARRY: (leaning towards Jack) With tongues, Jocko. It was revolting.

JACK: Ugh, so's your breath. Jim, can you do something about this?

JIM: I can try.

JACK: Help yourself to anything in the kitchen. Oh, and you can stay for the wedding.

JIM: Uh, thanks.

LARRY: Come on, Jocko, what kind of invite is that? Just cos the man slept with your fiancée—You did know about that, right?

JACK: (wearily) Yes, Larry, I knew.

JIM: Look, Jack, it was when you were seeing Linda, and Janet really—

JACK: Jim, let's talk about this later. I'm getting married in an hour and I need to get dressed.

JIM: Sure.

JACK: Thanks. [He exits to his room.]

JIM: It's not like I have feelings or anything. I'm just a bartender, right?

LARRY: You talkin' to me? You must be talkin' to me. There's nobody else here. [A cute redhead with a bob shows up in the open doorway.] Except her. Hey, Eleanor!

ELEANOR: Hi, Larry. Oh, and Jim. Are you bartending at the wedding?

JIM: (sulkily) I guess. [He exits to the kitchen.]

ELEANOR: He never liked me.

LARRY: I liked you, Eleanor. Hey, Eleanor, will you be my date to the wedding?

ELEANOR: Your date?

LARRY: Yeah, I'm alone, you're alone— [A cute little red-haired boy of about 4 runs in.] That kid's alone.

LITTLE BOY: Mommy!

LARRY: Oh, I forgot, you're an unwed mother.

ELEANOR: No, I'm divorced.

LITTLE BOY: And Mommy's not alone.

ELEANOR: Seth's right. I'm here with my girlfriend.

LARRY: Oh, you brought a friend. Is she pretty?

ELEANOR: (smiling) Very.

LARRY: Well, maybe she can be my wedding date. [A woman with wavy blonde hair enters.] Eleanor's friend, will you be my date? What's your name by the way?

WOMAN: Joanna. And you must be Larry.

LARRY: Wow, beautiful and psychic! What am I thinking about? [Joanna slaps him.] She's good!

JOANNA: Sweetie, he's worse than you said.

ELEANOR: Darling, I think he may be drunk.

LARRY: Wait a minute, when you said "girlfriend," you didn't mean "girlfriend." You meant "girlfriend."

ELEANOR: (taking Joanna's hand) Right.

LARRY: No wonder you never went out with me!

ELEANOR: (smiling) Exactly.

SETH: Plus you're a big turkey.

JIM: (entering from the kitchen) Hey, go easy on the guy. He got dumped today.

LARRY: Yeah, I'm on the rebound.

JIM: (handing him a glass) Here, drink this.

LARRY: Will it cure a broken heart?

JIM: No, but it'll reduce nausea.

JOANNA: Then can you pour me a glass?

JIM: (throwing his hands in the air) What am I, everybody's servant?

ELEANOR: We'll get it ourselves. [She scoops up Seth and she and Joanna go into the kitchen. The doorbell rings.]

JIM: And I'm not answering the door either.

LARRY: I'll get it. I'm the best man. I should greet the guests, since Jack isn't presentable.

JIM: (muttering) Whatever. I don't care. It's not my wedding you're ruining.

LARRY: (opening the door to a pretty girl with very long dark hair) Well, hello there. Will you be my date to the wedding? [Jim shakes his head.]

GIRL: I don't think my husband would like that.

LARRY: Why are all the good ones taken? Hey, wait a minute. I know you, you're Janet's sister Junie, right?

GIRL: Jenny.

LARRY: Yeah, the one Jack slept with. [A young man with very curly dark hair appears.] Let me guess. Your husband?

JENNY: Yes. Kip, this is Larry.

KIP: Oh, yeah, of course. And let me guess. It was just a big misunderstanding.

LARRY: (amazed) How did you know?

KIP: When Jenny and I met, I was wearing women's clothes.

LARRY: You should talk to Eleanor.

JACK: (coming out of his room, in a wedding tuxedo) Jenny, is that you?

JENNY: (giving him a hug) So you're finally marrying my big sister?

LARRY: Well, he has to. [Janet's parents appear.]

MR. & MRS. W: What?

JACK: Um, he means because I can't live without her anymore. Mom, Dad! I thought you were snowed in.

MR. W: We caught another flight.

MRS. W: Now, Jack, should you be over here before the wedding?

JENNY: I thought Jack lived—[She sees Jack gesturing frantically) I thought he lived for this day and even though he probably hasn't seen Janet, he's so much in love, that even talking to her through the bedroom wall is enough for him.

KIP: (aside) You're good at this.

JENNY: (aside) Janet taught me.

MRS. W: Well, I'm the mother of the bride, so I'll go in and help make her beautiful.

JACK: (nervously) Oh, you don't have to do that.

MRS. W: Oh, I know you already think she's gorgeous, but just some finishing touches. Come on, Jenny. [Jenny shrugs and follows her mother to the girls' room. Mrs. Wood opens the door quickly and they go in. The door shuts behind them.]

JENNY: (offscreen) Oh, Janet, are you allowed to wear white? Uh, I mean it's not after Memorial Day yet.

KIP (to Jim) She still needs a little practice. [Jim nods.]

LARRY: (who's been suspiciously silent for awhile) I don't feel so good. [He rushes to the bathroom.]

JACK: (annoyed and worried) Jim, what did you give him?

JIM: Dammit, Jack, I'm a bartender, not a doctor! [Fade to commercial.]

Scene III

[The living room again. The couch has been moved to the side, and folding chairs have been set up, facing downstage. All the guests, including that black couple who never say anything but come to all the parties, are mingling. Jack looks nervous.]

REV. S: Jack, it'll be fine. You and Janet are building on a deep, long-lasting friendship. Your love has grown—

JACK: Thanks, Reverend, but I'm not worried about Janet. I'm worried about Larry.

REV. S: (confused) Larry?

JACK: Yes, he still hasn't come out of the bathroom.

REV. S: Well, you have many friends here who could step in. Like your landlords. Or that Negro fellow. Or Ted.

JACK: I hardly know Ted. And that black guy is named, um. Hold on a minute. [Larry emerges from the bathroom.] Oh God! (glancing at the reverend) In a good way. Larry, how are your feeling?

LARRY: Fine. Couldn't be better. So Cindy dumped me. I never even got to score with the other women who've lived here.

REV. S: Score?

JACK: Uh, Larry, have you met—?

LARRY: So she was on me like white on rice till that Ted guy showed up. But am I bitter? No!

REV. S: White on rice?

LARRY: So even Furley's met someone. [The camera briefly cuts to Furley talking to an attractive older woman.] And by the way, Cindy's aunt is hot!

REV. S: (coldly) Becky is my sister.

LARRY: Well, then you've seen her.

JACK: Jim, can I talk to you a minute?

JIM: No, Jack, I will not be your best man. It's bad enough that I'm doing this bartending gig for free.

JACK: Kip? Anybody?

CHRISSY: Jack, let me handle this.

JACK: Oh God! Sorry, Reverend.

CHRISSY: Larry, if you don't ruin Jack and Janet's wedding, I'll go out with you.

JACK: Chrissy, are you crazy? Forget I asked.

REV. S: Chrissy, I don't know that Larry is the sort of young man I want you dating.

LARRY: It's because I'm a used car salesman, isn't it?

CHRISSY: Daddy, it'll be just one date. And only if he behaves during the wedding.

LARRY: What about on the date?

REV. S: (under his breath) Thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not kill.

LARRY: Chrissy, it's a deal. Come on, let's get my best friend married! [He lets out a whoop. Everyone stares at him.] Come on, People, let's show some enthusiasm. Jack and Janet are going to declare their love for each other to us, their nearest and dearest. Can we show our support? [Mrs. Roper lets out a cheer.] Right on, Mrs. Roper! Now the rest of you. [He works up the crowd till they're chanting "Jack and Janet."]

JANET: (offscreen) What the hell is going on out there?

JACK: Sorry, Reverend.

REV S: Let's just get on with the wedding. I have a sermon to preach on Sunday. [The little old lady organist starts playing the Wedding March.]

CHRISSY: Wait wait wait! [Everyone looks at her.] I'm a bridesmaid. [She goes into the girls' room and shuts the door. The organist starts over. Chrissy comes back in, followed by Cindy. Then the organist switches to "Here Comes the Bride." Everyone waits in anticipation. Then the doorbell rings.]

JACK: Ignore it. They'll go away. [The organist strikes the opening chords again. The doorbell rings again.]

JIM: What the hell, I'll get it. [He opens the door to Jack's parents and brother.]

JACK TRIPPER, SR: Sorry we're late. Traffic was terrible from San Diego.

JACK: Uh, Everybody, my dad, my mom, my brother Lee.

MR. F: I thought your brother was named Austin.

CINDY: (to Chrissy) Wow, Jack's brother is cute!

CHRISSY: Yeah, but he's all frosting. [Cindy looks confused.]

LEE: It's my fault we're late. I was going to use the company jet, but I had to leave it in Honduras. [Jack rolls his eyes.]

REV. S: Will everyone please be seated so that we can continue? [The Trippers find seats. The organist starts again. Janet and her dad come in. She looks radiant and nervous. Jacks gazes at her adoringly.] Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today in this, um, holy living room—

MRS. R: (to Eleanor) The floor is holey, the walls are holey….

REV. S: To join together this man and this woman in the bonds of matrimony. If anyone can show just cause why these two should not be married, let him speak now or— [A very pretty nurse, with her light blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail, appears in the open doorway.]

NURSE: Um, excuse me?

LARRY: Goodnight, Nurse!

NURSE: Maybe I have the wrong apartment. I'm looking for 201.

CHRISSY: Oh, you must've seen my ad!

CINDY: You advertised for a nurse?

CHRISSY: No, for a new roommate. With you and me both living here but Janet and Jack moving out—

JANET'S PARENTS: What?

MRS. W: Jack is living here? Before marriage?

MR. W: Oh, my ulcer!

MRS. T: My son is a good boy.

MR. F: Besides, he used to be gay.

WOODS & TRIPPERS: What?

JACK, SR.: My son is not gay! [People yell and argue. Then the nurse puts two fingers in her mouth and whistles. Everyone looks at her.]

NURSE: Excuse me, I don't know any of you, but it seems like the important thing here is that these two people are getting married. The past is the past. Let them have a future. [Everyone looks impressed.]

LARRY: Before you move in here and break my heart, can you tell me your name?

NURSE: (amused) Terri Alden.

LARRY: Larry and Terri. [He sighs.] Perfect.

REV. S: Let's see, where was I? Ah, yes. No objections, bla bla bla. I'll skip over the next part. It's not like you're Methodists. All right, do you, Jack, take Janet to be your lawfully wedded wife?

JACK: I do.

REV. S: Janet, ditto, except husband instead of wife.

JANET: Um, yes.

REV. S: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now kiss the bride. [A big smooch between Jack and Janet. Applause.] OK, Ted, if we leave now, we can beat the weekend traffic.

TED: Wait, before we go, I want to ask your daughter something.

REV. S: All right, but be quick about it.

TED: Chrissy, when we met, I was just your little math tutor, but eight years have passed and, well.

CHRISSY: Yes, Ted?

TED: Well, um, with a right triangle, A squared plus B squared equals what?

CHRISSY: If it's the right triangle, then it's always equal. [She snort-laughs.]

TED: (shaking his head) And if a car leaves Santa Monica for Fresno at 70 m.p.h.— [He exits. Fade to commercial.]

Scene IV (The Tag)

[The living room again. The women are clustered as Janet gets ready to throw the bouquet. To everyone's surprise, Mrs. Roper catches it.]

MRS. R: Oh, Stanley!

MR. R: Helen, we're already married.

MRS. R: Yes, but we could have a second honeymoon. [He flees out the front door.] What am I saying? We barely had a first honeymoon. [Janet removes her garter. She throws it and Larry catches it, without really noticing, because he's talking to Terri.]

LARRY: So I always wanted to be a doctor. Or at least play doctor.

TERRI: (amused despite herself) Oh, I've never heard that one before.

JANET: (to Jack) It's hard to just walk away from all this. Annoying as everyone is, I'll miss them.

JACK: We'll be living close by.

JANET: Yeah, you were lucky that the owner of the bistro that just hired you had that vacant apartment upstairs.

JACK: A new place to make love to you in every room. [She giggles.]

JANET: But first there's a honeymoon suite at that nice inn in Vermont.

JACK: Yeah, some place where everyone isn't crazy. [Fade to credits.]

TONIGHT'S GUEST STARS (in order of appearance)

Ted McGinley as Ted McKinley  
>Peter Mark Richman as Reverend Snow<br>Priscilla Morrill as Mrs. Snow  
>Paul Ainsley as Jim the Bartender<br>Marianne Black as Eleanor Garvey  
>Seth Green as Seth Garvey<br>Joanna Kerns as Joanna  
>Devon Ericson as Jenny Wood-Wilson<br>Tom Hanks as Kip Wilson  
>Macon McCalman as Mr. Wood<br>Paula Shaw as Mrs. Wood  
>Sue Ann Langdon as Aunt Becky Snow<br>Dick Shawn as Jack Tripper, Sr.  
>Georgann Johnson as Mrs. Tripper<br>John Gate as Lee Tripper  
>Priscilla Barnes as Terri Alden<p> 


End file.
